American Idol 2012 - San Diego Auditions

For the San Diego auditions, American Idol was on the USS Midway, which served as an aircraft carrier for the U.S. Navy. Judge Steven Tyler came prepared.

DAY 1

The first contestant, Jennifer Diley, age 19 from OH is currently working as a sushi bar waitress (of course she is), and came dressed in a red, white, and blue bikini. Well, maybe Baby Got Back, but she didn’t have Talent.

Prediction: Miss Diley will become a hair model for Herbal Essence Shampoo.





Single mom, Ashley Robles, age 26 of CA has an adorable 5-year-old daughter. Ashley told the judges she was going to sing “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, and my first thought was, “Oh, shitsters! Here’s another one who is going to butcher this song! {sigh}” But girlfriend could blow! She hit all the high notes with gusto, and she is very pretty!  Prediction: She will be the one in the Top 12 that gets sent home early because all she will sing is ballads, and America will get bored with her.

Jayrah Gibson, age 26 of CA wrote JLo a song called, “Shake Your Money Maker.” He gave a little sample of it, and then sang an R&B song pretty well.  Jayrah got through to Hollywood with three yeses.  Prediction: Will not make it past Group Night in Hollywood.

Aubree Dieckmeyer, age 20 from CA seemed to have forgotten for which show she was auditioning. At first, she said she wanted to be America’s Next Top Model. Then she kept fumbling over “next American Idol.” But by the time she got in front of the judges, she remembered exactly what to do. Her voice was so sweet, and she made it to Hollyweird!  Prediction: Randy said she lacked some power in her upper ranges, and I agree, and think this may keep her out of the Top 12, because there are some powerful girls this year.

Next was Ali Shields, age 19 from CA. She was on TV once before, when she got to meet Ellen Degeneres because she wrote a song for the funny talk show host, and Ellen was quite impressed. So, Ali tells the Idol judges that she’s going to rap for them. Please note that she’s a white girl, but she was really funny. Randy asked her to do a ghetto dance and she did an impressive little booty pop. Then she sang an actual song and did a very good job, and made it through to the next round.  Prediction: Though she was one of my favorite auditioners, she won’t make it much farther. Her voice is good, but not outstanding.

DAY 2

Jennifer arrived looking gorgeous in this Stella McCartney dress. 

For some reason, I couldn't find a pic of her standing up in this dress, but trust me, she was a stunner!

First was Kyle Cruise, age 19 from CA. He’s a frat boy from Cal Berkeley, so I really didn’t want to like him, but I just couldn’t help myself! He started singing and it made me say, “Day-um!”

Prediction: Strong contender for the Top 12. Depends on what he sings during Hollywood Week.

When one particularly horrible young lady was singing (sorry, didn’t catch her name), Steven yelled out, “I went through 4 hours of $*#%& hair and makeup to listen to this %@&*^$%@. Bahaha! I love that crazy guy! Except for when I see this:

AGGGHHHHH - Man boobies!

Jane Carrey, age 24 from CA was the next contestant. She seemed really sweet and down-to-earth, considering her dad is Jim Carrey - yes, THAT Jim Carrey!  JLo recalled seeing the little girl when she was tiny. Remember that Jennifer was a Fly Girl on “In Living Color” when Jim Carrey was a character on there. So, are you thinking the same thing I am: How the hell much plastic surgery has JLo had done? Damn, if she was already working when this young lady was a baby, Jenn should NOT look quite so awesome. Couldn’t she have some warts or saggy boobs or something? Anyway, back to Jane. She had a very decent singing voice, and got through to the next round.
Prediction: She’s a delightful girl, but her voice is not potent enough for the stage yet. Daddy needs to pony up some dough and get her a voice instructor, because she can definitely carry a tune. She just needs some instruction.

The last contestant in San Diego was Jason “Wolf” Hamlin, age 24 from CA. He brought to the audition his git-fiddle, which is just a hillbilly way of saying “guitar.” How the hell did this guy get to Cali, anyway? Perhaps was he shootin’ at some food? And then up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude? I just wonder if there is a cement pond or any critters in his back yard. Anyhoo, Jethro Jason sang “Midnight Special,” and did a pretty good job. Steven wanted him to sing something else, and the judges agreed he could play his guitar. The Wolf busted out with some Johnny Cash, and tore….it…UP! Unanimous yes votes!

Prediction: When he’s playing his guitar, he’s golden. When he’s not, he’s average. I think he’ll go down in one of the non-guitar rounds in Hollywood. I’m not sure they truly want him in the live shows anyway. He’s a little rough around the edges, but that’s what would make him appealing to many voters!

53 Total Golden Tickets in San Diego

American Idol 2012 - Pittsburgh Auditions

This is the first year American Idol has ever been to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so let’s see what these folks can do!

DAY 1

First up was Heejun Han, age 22 from NY. He seemed very nervous and from the clips they were showing, it seemed like he was going to be a joke. However, he sang “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” by Michael Bolton, and this boy’s got SOUL…and the voice of an angel. He seemed surprised that they liked him. I love it when someone doesn’t know how awesome they are!

Prediction: Definitely Top 12 material, because he’s got a very distinctive tone, and he’s humble and sweet and goofy.


Reed Grimm, age 26 from WI surprised the judges by singing the theme song to Family Matters. He started out with some great scatting and went into a fun rendition of the song. He’s a great performer and the judges liked him a lot.  Prediction: I’m hoping he makes it to the Top 12. I would love to see him on the big stage. I think he will if he keeps his performance value and doesn’t get lost in the crowd.

Aaron Marcellus, age 27 from NJ was an excellent singer, and he seemed like a personable guy. Prediction: They just showed a very short clip, so not really enough to predict on, but he does have the voice to make it pretty far.

Next was Chase Likens, age 20 from WV. Chase sang country very well, and he was a nice-looking fellow with beautiful eyes. Very marketable.  Prediction: Again, this was a very short clip, but the judges liked him, so he may be the token male country singer this year.

Samantha Novacek, age 19 from PA came in with her sister. Were they doing a duet? Uhhhh, not exactly. Samantha was singing and her sister was “planking Samantha to Hollywood.” Sam got through, but her sister is going to have to plank her ass back home. 

Prediction: Good voice, but just not special enough without the planking gimmick.

Then we were introduced to self-proclaimed starving artist, Creighton Fraker, age 28 from NY. He couldn’t decide what to sing, so he just wrote a song on the 9-hour bus ride to Pitt. He won them over with his voice and a tiny bit of ego stroking because the song he wrote was about the 3 judges. Dude was very good, though I personally like men with deeper voices. And tell me he doesn’t look a bit like George Michaels!

Prediction: He will either make it very far, or he’ll get caught soliciting prostitutes in the men’s bathroom at Applebees.











Eben Franckewitz from OH is only 15 years old. He’s just super nice and his family is super supportive and coming to American Idol was just super awesome! Everything was just super groovy! Lordy mercy, I thought I was watching the Brady Bunch will all of that positivity and love floating around.  Prediction: Eben does have a great voice, but he’s going to get eaten alive in Hollywood.

Next was Travis Orlando, Age 17 from NY. Travis tried out last year too, and is hoping for better results this time. After last year, his mom left them for a boyfriend, they got evicted from their apartment and moved into a shelter, and now his dad‘s on dialysis. Then Travis dropped out of high school. He got through to Hollywood, but not one word about him dropping out of school. I definitely think they should have put him through, but with the stipulation that he use the tutors that Idol provides to finish his education.  Prediction: I’m thinking he will get to the very end in Hollywood, and then will probably make it through, because Idol loves the drama.

And that was just Day 1 of Pittsburgh. I was disappointed that there wasn’t a lot of stupidity and nonsense, but we’ve still got Day 2.  Come on!  Let’s bring out the crazy, Pitt!

DAY 2

First up on Day 2 was Erika Van Pelt, age 25 of RI. She is a mobile DJ and a wedding singer, and really sang her booty off! This girl can do absolutely amazing things with her voice!!!

Prediction: I would go so far as to describe Erika’s voice as incomparable. She will make the Top 12, and if she gets a makeover and scraps her unflattering hairdo, she will go far!

Next was 19-year-old coal miner Shane Bruce from WV. Good voice, but not much depth. He didn’t get through, but he’s got potential.  Prediction: He will come back next year and make it through to Hollywood, but not make the live show.

 

The final auditioner of Day 2 was Hallie Day, age 24 from MA. Hallie dropped out of high school at age 15 and moved to NY and joined a girl group. They didn’t become superstars, so she ended up coming back home, where she tried to commit suicide by taking pills.  Luckily, Hallie now has the support of a good husband, and he encourages her music. She sang “I Will Survive” with some moments of brilliance, but I hope she tones it down a smidge in the future, because it came out slightly screechy in parts to me. Of course they put her through. Prediction: She will survive all the way to the Top 12!

You ever notice how much reality shows love former addicts and high school dropouts? For instance, Chris Rene from the X Factor didn’t have half the talent of some of the contestants, and yet he made it to the Top 3. Do you think he would have made it that far if he hadn’t told his story of addiction and recovery? I know it gives hope to some people going through recovery, but I have to wonder if it also sends the message to kids that it's okay to make horrible decisions, because you can still be a STAR one day, when that rarely happens.  Rather, the outcome is much more often jail or death.  Something to think about…..



Bachelor Ben - Week 4 - Rachel, Jennifer, and Some Fish Kissing

Ben wants to take the girls on more outdoorsy dates, because that’s very important to him, and there are not many places more naturally beautiful than Park City, Utah. Ben arrived in a helicopter, which is the first appearance of the helicopter this season, by my count.

                                    ONE-ON-ONE

Rachel got the first date in Park City.  Annnnnnd we have the 1^st helicopter date.  All the other girls run out onto the balconies and stare like they’ve never seen a whirlybird before. And they all act SOOOO shocked that someone gets to go on a helicopter date. Attention, people of BachelorLand: There will ALWAYS be a helicopter date. Seriously, if they haven't already, the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows should just buy their own helicopter.

Ben and Rachel landed and went out in a canoe on a beautiful lake. I was impressed that New York girl, Rachel, seemed to enjoy the canoe ride and the whole nature thing. Then they sat on the bank to talk and drink wine, but there were a lot of awkward pauses and forced conversation. At one point, Ben even felt the need to point out, “That’s a beaver dam.” Gee, can’t you just feel the romance?

In the evening, they went to a little cabin where there was more awkward conversation. Then finally Rachel got all chatty and let Ben know that in the past she has had trouble opening up in relationships (ummm, no shit, Princess Obvious). And she said the word, “open” about 38 times in a one minute period. Ahhhh, we’re talking about “openness” now. Next will be “putting yourself out there,” which is personally my favorite, because it makes me think of getting flashed.
After all this openness, they went outside to a fire and ate S’mores, which was pretty sweet and fun. Rachel barely eked out a rose this time, but I don’t think she will last too much longer.

GROUP DATE







The girls are walking down an open trail, and Ben comes riding up on a horse. There’s nothing finer than a man that can ride a horse and look manly doing it. Ben looked pretty good, but I must say that my favorite man in the saddle was Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall.” Let’s just take a moment to enjoy the hotness that is Brad Pitt in that movie.



Ok, that last one isn't actually from Legends of the Fall,
but what self-respecting woman could leave that
picture out?



Mmmmmmmmm.  Wait?  Where was I?  Oh yeah, this blog thingy.  So, Ben and the ladies rode horses to a river where they were going to do some fly fishing. They had to put on waders and boots and get into the water.

Courtney said she had never fished before. Well, no shit, Princess. You didn’t exactly knock me over with a feather with that info. She kept telling the camera how she was going to turn this group date into a one-on-one with just her and Ben, and then made a lot of fishing references to "catching" a man and Ben "taking the bait," blah, blah, blah. She ended up catching a fish, and doing a lot of squealing and insisting (in a babyish voice) that she and Ben kiss the fish. Then she simpered, “He’s so cute, Ben,” and I really wanted to knock the buck off her teeth at that point.

That night the girls were spending time poolside, and Ben chatted with Casey S. She looked really cute and they had a nice chat about relationships. Nothing earth-shattering…step up your game, Casey!

Nicki interrupted with her red nose.  But she was really sweet and thanked Ben for bringing her on dates, even though she’s only been on group dates so far. He seemed to appreciate that. They discussed some friends that they lost right before coming to L.A. for the show, and made a connection and did a little kissing. Ben appeared to be enjoying kissing Nicki, but of course, they were interrupted.

Samantha sashayed in to get some time with Ben, and immediately began aggressively berating him because she has only gotten group dates and she wants a one-on-one date. He told her that the reason he hasn’t asked her out on an individual date was because she was highly emotional on the group dates, which was a nice way of saying that she is an annoying shrew, and he would rather cut off his right arm than have to spend an entire day with her. She kept trying to smile, but she actually looked horrified like Ben had farted on her favorite pillow. But she still whined for a chance, which any idiot would know was the last thing Ben wanted to hear. Ben said he didn’t see it going anywhere and thought they should end it right then.

Now, the gossip is that Samantha had feelings for one of the show’s producers (who happens to be married), and that’s why she left. I’m just wondering if the gossip got a little mixed up and perhaps it was Brittney (who left of her own accord last week) who was doing the hanky panky with Mr. Producer Man. Hmmmmm…something to think about!

So, back to the group date: Ben takes Kacie B. to his room and reassures her that she is wonderful. They spent a bit of time together kissing and snuggling. I think he really likes her, and I think Courtney knows it too. And it pisses….her….OFF!

So Court gets time alone with Ben and gripes that her spirits are down because there were other women on the group date and that just brought her down. Awwww, poor baby! Well, she freaks Ben out by telling him that now she questions their relationship. He tells her that he likes her a lot, and she just sighs and rolls her eyes and says, “Okaaayyyyyy.” In other words, she wants him to prove it by neglecting everyone else. Or possibly by giving her the date rose? Which he did immediately. Gawd, he is so whipped. She smelled the rose again because apparently she’s forgotten what the fuck roses smell like since last week. She also makes it a point to say, “I do” every time he gives her a rose. She’s a smart one, this girl.
 

                                    ONE-ON-ONE
The next date went to pretty redhead, Jennifer. She and Ben hiked to the top of a hill where there was a fence that said, “No Trespassing.” So of course they climbed over it and saw a big rusty cage over a deep crater. They were to rappel down and then drop into the water. Ben made some platitudes about “taking the plunge together” and relationships being about “diving into the unknown.” More blah, blah, blah. Who writes this stuff, anyway?

After all the plunging, they rode up a ski lift and looked at the beautiful scenery and then had a private dinner outside. Then it started raining like crazy. Ben gave her the rose, and then they went to a Clay Walker concert, where Ben again demonstrated his lack of any rhythm at all!

COCKTAIL PARTY

Emily decides to tell Ben that Courtney is not the sweet, vulnerable angel he thinks she is. Ben basically (but very nicely) tells her to mind her own beeswax because focusing on someone else would be her “own demise.” Oooh, getting a little pissy there, Big Ben. And here I thought you and Emily had such a connection because of the whole bridge-climbing-conquering-our-fears-together thingy. That what you said LAST week!

Let me just give a little bit of advice to anyone who ever plans on being a contestant on this show. DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell the Bachelor or Bachelorette that someone is not there for the right reasons or that another contestant is a narcissistic asshole. Especially if the Bach has show that this particular contestant is one of their favorites. It WILL backfire on you, so hold your tongue and don’t be honest! 

Emily tells Casey S. and Jamie about her conversation with Ben, and Casey S. defends Courtney, saying that Courtney is genuine and not fake at all. Casey…honey pie….are you naïve or just stupid? Maybe you’ve got a cute little ditzy blonde thing going on? So Casey runs off and tells Courtney everything they talked about and that Emily had discussed Courtney’s social shortfalls with Ben. (OMG, just describing this, I feel like a 4^th grader.)
　
So, NOW it’s ON! Courtney started with the weirdo mouth twisting crap again. Regarding Emily, she said she wanted to “rip her head off and verbally assault her.” WTF? I’m pretty sure that once you rip someone’s head off, they won’t really care about verbal assault. Maybe she doesn’t know what “verbal” means.

Emily and Courtney give each other the evil eye for a while, and then Courtney tells Emily that she’s on her shit list. Then she walks off and says “Winning!” That’s about the 3^rd time she’s said that this season. More advice: Quoting Charlie Sheen really does nothing to prove your mental stability.

ROSE CEREMONY

Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer have roses and are safe.  Samantha left during the group date, so only one woman was going home tonight.  Ben handed out roses to Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, and Casey S.  It's down to the last rose, and Emily and Monica are left.  Emily was sweating at this time, convinced that Ben was going to send her home because she tattled on Courtney earlier in the night.  However, after a dramatic pause, Ben gave the rose to Em and said bye-bye to Monica.

Ben announced that they would be going to Puerto Rico next, and Courtney batted her eyelashes and looked down demurely and said, “I was just there 2 months ago,” obviously referring to a modeling shoot. Because she just had to remind everyone that she’s a model. That way no one can forget how awesome she is. Thanks for the reminder, C!

Seriously, that girl is nuttier than a squirrel turd.

American Idol 2012 - Savannah Auditions, Day 2

American Idol was back in Savannah for Day 2 of the Georgia auditions.

Mawuena Kodjo, age 25 from West Africa was the first contestant of the day. It’s never a good sign when every word you say has to have subtitles. Mawuena tried to sing Rascal Flatts, and it made me cry. Not in a good way. All three judges said no. Shocker. He said he thought the judges were wrong (another shocker!), so Randy told him to go find some people who actually thought he was good. He found 4 little girls and an old country dude. Steven told the kids to get mommy to wash the wax out of their ears, and then they sent Mawuena home…again.  Prediction: He will have a long and happy life as a Slurpee machine repairman.

Ashlee Altise, age 28 from N.C. was lots of fun and had an undeniable spunkiness. I liked her singing and I totally wanna hang out with her. She charmed the judges with her talent and personality and got through to the next round.  Prediction: I will have to hear more, but so far I’m not predicting her for top 12.

W.T. Thompson, age 25 from VA worked for a federal prison, before he quit this perfectly good job with benefits to audition for Idol. And he has a baby on the way. He said he had to make a decision between a job and a dream, and he chose the dream. Yeah, dude…you do that dream shit BEFORE you start a family, because once you’re responsible for a child, that child should be your dream. His singing was good, but not great. Certainly not worth throwing away your job that will provide food, shelter, and insurance for your wife and child.  Prediction: Unless he gets a lot of work on his voice, I don’t think he’s got a chance at making the live show. If your wife is pregnant and you’re gonna quit your job on a lark, you’d better be damned amazing, and this guy isn’t. Sorry I’m lecturing, but it just pisses me off.

Then there were a bunch of clips of Steven Tyler kissing every female in sight, including some grandmas. He’s like the Richard Dawson of modern times.

Erica Nowak age 28 from NY, said Steven Tyler is her future ex-husband. He hugged her and the she grabbed his ass. Way to keep it trashy, Erica! Then she hugged Randy and grabbed his ass too. Poor JLo didn't get her bionic booty grabbed.  Erica didn’t sing worth a crap and didn’t get through. Thank goodness. Prediction: She will soon become the next manager of the Happy Harbor trailer park in Cooterville, AR.

Brittany Kerr, age 24 from NC wins the award for most gorgeous contestant! Very good voice, not the best ever, but combined with her looks, I would say she’s the most marketable so far in Savannah. Does anyone else think this chica looks a lot like Carrie Underwood? I like her because she looked sexy even without dressing provocatively (aka, like a $2 hooker), and that‘s something young girls should take note of today. I would love to see her make the top 12 because I think she would be stunning on stage, and it would be interesting to see what style choices she made as far as clothes, shoes, and hair.   Prediction: I don’t think her voice is quite strong enough yet. *Sad face*

Phillip Phillips, age 20 from GA was the last one of the day, though the judges were all of sudden wearing their clothes from day one. Hmmmmm. Phillip sang Superstitious with more soul than Stevie Wonder. And that’s hard to do. Randy wanted him to play his guitar, so he did an acoustic version of Thriller. Boy has got the voice and the guitar skills. He’s a special one.  And then we got the 1^st “you’re an artist” from Randy and Jennifer.
Prediction: I see this guy in the top 12, and making it very far.

42 total golden tickets from Savannah with some very promising prospects.

American Idol 2012 - Savannah Auditions, Day 1

I would like to apologize for being a little behind on this blog.  I've been helping out with a benefit event for some dear friends who lost their restaurant to a fire.  I should get back to normal after the benefit this weekend.

YAY!  American Idol is back, and they started their year out in Savannah, Georgia for the first round of auditions.  Jennifer Lopez arrived looking fresh in a sparkly peach shirt and a sleek ponytail.  Randy was in a white shirt and his trademark cool glasses.  Judge Steven Tyler arrived in his outfit he raided from Rondo the Pimp's closet. 

Hey, Steven!  My grandma wants her blouse back
when you're done with it!

The first auditioner was David Leathers, Jr., age 17 from N.C. - He looked about 12, and actually beat last year’s winner Scotty McCreery in a local competition in 2009!  This kid could sing, and had a kind of Michael Jackson-esque vibe.  He easily got through.  Prediction:  Will experience some drama during the group competition and won't make the top 12.

Then they saw Neco Starr, age 20 from GA.  Cool name, great voice.  Prediction:  Will make it pretty far, but not sure if he's special enough to make it to the live shows.  Will depend on the rest of the auditions.

Next was Gabi Carrubba, age 16 from Connecticut.  She's not stage shy, because she has been tap dancing since she was a toddler.  She is a great singer, but it's not just that.  She truly has a natural ability to just feel the song and go with it.  Prediction:  Possibility for top 12. 


Elise Testone, age 28 from S.C. had a super strong soulful voice.

Prediction:  She will be the token "soul singer" in the top 12.

Bonus Prediction:  This is what Britney Spears will look like in about 10 years.  ------------------------>

Next was the painful musical stylings of one Jessica Whitely, age 19 from Ohio.  She was one of those people who thinks they can sing really good, so they don’t hold back.  And then it’s really terrible…and loud.  It sounded like a goat being raped by an elephant.  (Don't ask me how I know what that sounds like.  It's best you don't know.)

After all three judges turned her down, she said, “I’ll see you in Texas, then.”  Nuh uh, girl!  Don't you bring that shit over here to the Lone Star State!

Prediction:  Someone here in Texas is going to think she's hurting an animal, and they will shoot her.

  

Shaun Kraisman, age 26 from SC was a Ryan Seacrest look-alike.  He even had the mannerisms, timing, and voice down.  He was a decent singer, but didn't make it through to Hollyweird. 

Prediction:  He will end up in the hospital after a disgruntled auditioner mistakes him for Ryan Seacrest in a night club and beats him with a Bedazzled microphone.  After extensive plastic surgery, he will eerily resemble Steven Tyler.



Six-foot-tall Shannon Magrane is only 15 years old and wears a size 11 shoe.  (Just for the record, my daughter, Miss Smarty Britches, is only 10 years old and wears a size 11 shoe!)  Shannon's father is Joe Magrane, who played for the St. Louis Cardinals.  She was a very good singer, and got through.  Prediction:  I liked her a lot, and I think she will make the Top 12 because she was very likable.

Amy Brumfield, aka "Tent Girl," lives in a tent and poops in the wood.  I do have to admire her tenacity for finding a way to live within her means instead of being a whiny ass moocher.  She was a decent singer, but not a superstar.

Prediction:  I don't think she will make it to the live show.  Not marketable enough, though she has a "story," and we all know that AI likes a "story."



Joshua Chavis, age 23 from S.C. likens his sound to Chris Daughtry and Brad Paisley.  Yeah.  He lied, or perhaps was delusional.  He sang with a fervor and enthusiasm that would draw you right in if it were not so horrible. So Mr. Sunshine Britches decided to sing another song, which was as horrible as the first. After he was told “no,” he started yelling at the camera and flipping the bird to the audience. So, now we’ve seen the 1^st hissy fit of the season.  And isn't that why we all tune in to the auditions?  Prediction:  He will go on to record a horrible and insipid song with Rebecca Black and become an internet sensation.

Stephanie Renae, age 15 from FL has been watching Idol and dreaming of being on it since she was 8. She had a very good voice that will win her high school’s talent show. As she was singing, I said, “Gosh she is nasal.” Then Jlo’s first comment was that she was nasally. Damn, I’m good! Steven yes, Randy no, Jennifer yes.  Prediction:  Not a contender.

Schyler Dixon, age 16 from TN (student and face painter) auditioned last year with her brother, Colton
age 19 (musician and face painter).  WTF is up with the face painting in this family?  Skyler was auditioning by herself this year, but the judges recognized her and requested that she bring her brother in too. Then they insisted that he audition this year because he was sooooo awesome, and almost made it last year and oh yeah sister, you were ok too. Schyler had a gorgeous voice, but she pronounced some words weird. Colton can hit some high notes, but I actually enjoyed hearing his sister more.  But the judges gushed over Colton, and oh yeah sister you were ok too.  But they both made it through.  Prediction:  They will put Colton through this year and leave Schyler out in the bitter, bitter cold.  Much ado will be made about the brother vs. sister angle.

 Lauren Mink, age 25 from KY is a director for an Adults with Diabilities Program.  She had a great smile and a lovely country voice.  Prediction:  I think she will make it to the last round before the live show, and then get cut.  I think the judges are burned out on country since the top 2 last year were both country.

There's one more day of auditions from beautiful Savannah, which will be covered in my next episode!

Bachelor Ben - Week 3 - Emily, Lindzi, and A Lot of Freaking Out

Starting off with a little bit of news this week.  I think it was a bit of an unofficial announcement, but apparently, Emily Maynard, the blonde bombshell "winner" from Brad's second season, will be the new Bachelorette.  Holy cow!  Talk about a ratings bonanza for ABC!  More on this later as details emerge.









This week the ladies and Ben went to San Francisco. Ben met with his sister, Julia, before going on any dates, and she asked him about any standouts amongst the women. Here are the ones he mentioned: Lindzi, Kacie B., Courtney (who he described as “drama-free,” bahahaha!  Whooo, that was a good one, Benny-Boy!), Emily, and Jennifer (who he dubbed as the best kisser). Julia seemed surprised that he had kissed some girls, making me wonder if she has actually ever seen this show before.

                                 ONE-ON-ONE 
The first one-on-one date card went to Emily, and read, “Love lifts us up.” She admitted that she’s afraid of heights, so of course you know the date is going to involve heights. Ben announces to her that they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. The rest is the same old story: She gets scared, the Bachelor kisses her and tells her that together they can do anything, then they succeed in climbing the rest of the way up and rejoice in how “strong” their relationship is now since they “conquered their fears.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

In the evening, they had dinner outside, and Ben was totally wearing lip gloss. He gave Emily the date rose, and then they kissed. And miracle of all miracles…fireworks went off right when they started kissing. What a coincidence, right?






[SIDE RANT: Every season they have someone who is afraid of something, and the Bachelor producers find this out and make sure that it’s worked into one of their dates. Several girls have been afraid of heights, and yet their dates seemed to have involved jumping or rappelling off a building or down the side of a mountain or a bridge or something. If the girl is afraid of flying, she is the one they stick in a helicopter, while the guy lets her know that “he‘s there for her.” Well, what the hell good is that going to do her as you are falling to your deaths?

And remember poor Emily, who had lost her race car boyfriend in a plane crash? They managed to make her ride in a plane AND drive a friggin’ race car!  I think they should all tell the producers that they are afraid of chocolate, or maybe Doritos.

I’m just waiting for someone to have a pathological fear of monkeys, and the Bachelor will say, “Really? But I have this fabulous date planned to the Mon-Chi-Chi Monkey Sanctuary!” Then they will rattle off some platitudes about trust, and some “if we can accomplish this monkey business, there‘s nothing we can‘t do together” bullshit.

This is why I could never go on The Bachelor. Well, and also because I’m already married, but, whatever. You folks may or may not know that I have a totally irrational fear of snakes.  If the Bachelor said he had a date planned for us at the reptile house, I would tell him to kiss my retreating white ass. If you want to establish a relationship with me, it’s gonna have to be in a snake-free zone, buster. And for the record, I'm not real crazy about spiders, either.  Ok, rant complete!]

GROUP DATE

Ben and 11 of his hopefuls went skiing in downtown San Fran. A snow machine had been used to cover an entire street with snow!

Group date

All of the girls just happened to be wearing sundresses with bikinis on underneath. Because let’s face it. You never know when you’re going to find some spontaneous snow and decide to ski half-naked. Kinda like in the soap operas, where women often answer the door in a fully beaded evening gown at noon on a Tuesday. You know, just in case the President calls and invites them to a state dinner that night, they can say, “Well hell yes! I’m already dressed and everything. Just send Air Force One on over!”
　
Anyhoo, I have to give props to several of the women who looked fabulous in their swimsuits: Rachel and Samantha, I give you two boobs up! You have to be really fit to make those skiing moves with all that flesh exposed and not have anything jiggling or falling out. Kacie B. also looked great in her swimsuit, but her skiing skills? Not so much. However, she looked adorable sliding down the hill ass first and laughing about it. I still like her, even though she has absolutely no cellulite. Usually, I want to cut somebody over that shit, but she really is just too stinkin’ cute!

People this cute really should have cellulite or warts
or something, just to even things out.

That evening, they got all dressed up and went to Tonga for food and drinks. Ben and Rachel went for a walk. I can’t figure this gal out. I like her, but she seems like she’s a reporter there for the story. She says the right things, but something is off. Just a little. They did a bit of kissing, but only kind of close-mouthed smacks. She seemed to be trying to take it deeper, but Ben kept his lips together and refused to play tonsil hockey with Rachel.

Then he escaped with Kacie B. for a bit and did the same little closed-lipped kisses with her. He was kinda loud with his smacking, and it got to be rather annoying.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…Brittney received the next one-on-one date card earlier in the evening, but just didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it at all. Lindzi seemed pretty disappointed, because she didn’t get a date at all in Sonoma or in San Fran, not even a group date. After thinking it over and crying a lot, Brit decided that this whole process just isn’t working for her. I say “good for her!”

Now, back to Tonga: Ben is talking with Blakeley, and she is whining about how the other women hate her, and that they are very spiteful and jealous. Yeah, it’s because you’re such a bitch to them, sweet tits! Don’t rub it in everyone’s face when you get the rose and make everyone hate you, and then get your panties in a wad about how mean everyone is.

At this point, Brittney shows up to dump Ben. Did they really have to make her drag her suitcase inside the restaurant? Couldn’t she have left it in the car? A bit dramatic for me, but hell! I guess that’s why we tune in to this show. I don’t think Ben was all that upset. He was never gonna pick her anyway.

Ben went back to the ladies and gave the group date rose to Rachel.

The next day (or I guess it was the next day…who knows how they tell time in BachelorLand), Lindzi gets a one-on-one date card. I like this girl too, but I really wish she would wear some lipstick. Not like a Blow Job Red or anything, but maybe a nice coral would go well with her skin tone.

Now see?  Isn't that better?

 

                                    ONE-ON-ONE
For their date, Ben and Lindzi went on a trolley ride, ate ice cream, and visited China Town. Then they went to San Francisco City Hall, because nothing says “romance” like the offices of solid waste disposal, environmental regulations, and sewer permits.

They walked into a large room and a band started playing. Lindzi informed the camera that it was Matt Nathanson, and I’m glad because I didn’t know who the hell that was. They always seem to know who the bands are on this show without being told, but perhaps their knowledge of modern useless music trivia is far superior to mine. Now, if you put KISS or Ted Nugent or Prince up there, I would recognize them right off. But perhaps these musicians don’t represent the romance they are trying to convey on this show. Go figure…

So, Ben and Lindzi started dancing. The lady looked fabulous dancing in her short, flirty-skirted black cocktail dress. She was letting her hair fly around in quite the uninhibited manner, and it was fun and sexy. Ben, on the other hand, needs to eat some ribs or something, because dude has no soul. At all. His idea of dancing was to grab Lindzi’s hands and move his arms back and forth and bounce, kinda like you used to dance with your cousin when you were 4. [Note to producers: Don’t ever show this guy dancing again. Thank you.] There was some kissing, which I rated as fairly intimate, but not like full-face, I-want-to-suck-your-uvula-out kind of kissing.

Then they went to a speak-easy for dinner. It had hidden rooms behind bookcases, so it was really kind of cool. Lindzi discussed her former relationship, where she was dumped by text message. This showed her vulnerable side and earned points with The Ben, of course. So, he gave her the date rose. Then they went to a piano store. Ooooh, exciting stuff!

COCKTAIL PARTY

This is getting long, so I’ll give you the semi-quick and dirty version of the cocktail party. Courtney did weird shit with her mouth, Shawntel from Brad’s season showed up and said that Ben is going to fall in love with her, all the girls got pissed off, Nicki cried like her grandma died, everyone called Shawntel a bitch behind her back, Courtney did more weird stuff with her mouth and tried to get the other girls to fight with each other, and Ben retired to think, at which point the girls attacked Shawntel like hungry buzzards on a dead possum.

While Ben is deciding, I will give out my weekly Overall Awards:

Quote of the Week:  Emily
"Courtney has some personality problems;
and she has, I think, a social disorder,
and I think she should get diagnosed."

 

Photo-Op of the Week:  Kacie B.
This totally should have won her the date rose.



Bitch of the Week:  Courtney
After coming in 1st runner-up last week, Courtney has earned the
title this week with her cocktail party shenanigans.



ROSE CEREMONY

If you thought there was drama during the cocktail party, well honey...hold on to your tater tots, because here comes the rose ceremony!   Rachel, Emily, and Lindzi are already safe.

Ben started handing out roses, beginning with Courtney.  As usual, he asked, "Courtney, will you accept this rose?"  And the crazy ho hesitated!  And, of course, did some MORE weird shit with her mouth. Then she said she would accept the rose (yeah biatch, like you were gonna turn down your 15 minutes of fame), but told Ben that tonight was very hard on her because he talked to "What's-Her-Butt," aka Shawntel.  Very mature.  Then she sniffed the rose.  Why does she always do that?  Does she think the aroma is going to be different from last week?  It's a rose, for ball's sake!

Next, Ben handed out roses to Kacie B. (yay!), Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, and Samantha.  At this point, there is one rose left, and 3 girls:  Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel.  Ooooh, what's gonna happen?

If you guessed, "more drama," then you are correct!  Jaclyn starts mouthing off quite loudly to the other girls about Shawntel.  Ericka says she feels nauseous, and then passes the frick out!



Horrors!  This guy I've known for
3 weeks isn't choosing me!
Oh my, I think I've got the vapors...



Ben looks worried and says he thinks they need some water for Erika.  By Gawd, are they sure he's not a doctor, because that was damn helpful!  Anyway, they get her ass back up and make her continue with the rose ceremony.....standing.  Perhaps a chair would have been nice? 

Ben compliments Jaclyn, Erika, and Shawntel, and then announces that he's not giving out the final rose.  So all three of them are going home!  Jaclyn runs off sobbing to the bathroom and Erika collapses....AGAIN!  Someone brings her another very helpful glass of water.  Have these people ever heard of professional medical attention?  Because if a bitch passes out twice in 5 minutes, I'm thinking I'm gonna call an ambulance.  But maybe that's just me. 

Shawntel at least acted a little bit classy, so Ben walked her out while everyone else was acting like a bunch of damn fruitcakes.  This included Courtney yelling stuff at Shawntel as she was leaving.  Nice. 

So that's it until next week, when Ben and the remaining whack-a-doos will be in Park City, Utah.  Been there.  Loved it.  Wanna go back. 

 



Bachelor Ben - Week 2 - Kacie, Courtney, and Some Theater

This week, the ladies were in Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives.  This is the very first week of dates, so let's see what happened.



Kacie B.



ONE-ON-ONE

The first one-on-one date card was handed out by Ben himself to Kacie B.  Being the first date of the season is a pretty big deal, but this date was a bit modest by The Bachelor's standards.  There were no helicopters or bungee jumping or sharks or getting shot out of a cannon.  The couple walked around Sonoma and shopped and ate dinner. 

Then they went to an empty movie theater and watched video clips of themselves when they were little, including a clip of Ben crawling butt-ass naked on a picnic table.  Yeah, that wasn't awkward AT ALL.  There were lots of family shots, and since Ben lost his dad a few years back, this was quite emotional for him to watch; Kacie truly seemed moved, as well.  But she handled it with a nice mixture of tears and comforting smiles.  I still love this girl.





Why do I love her?  You may remember that she's the former baton twirler.  But do you remember from last week who else is a former baton twirler? 



The Opto-Mom in all her sexified glory!

 BAM!  That's right, bitches!  Try not to be jealous of the fake fur rug and my super awesome 80's hair.  You can be jealous of the sequins, though.  It's perfectly understandable to covet my sequins.

So back to the date.  Even though there weren't a lot of bells and whistles on Kacie's date, it was very personal because of the hometown angle and the home movies and all the crying.  She got a rose and some smooches.  I'm usually pretty good at determining how things are going by the quality of the kissing.  The kisses between Ben and Kacie were good quality and fairly intimate.  Not like "hump-your-leg intimate," but rather "lovey-dovey intimate."  Overall, a great date, though I could have done without the whole "let's make the bachelor show his vulnerable side and cry by bringing out videos of his dead father" thing on the very first date.

GROUP DATE

I don't even know why they do these group dates.  Oh, wait...yes I do.  For the DRAMA!  And there was lots of drama this week, because Ben and the ladies (and I use that term loosely regarding some of these contestants) had to perform a play written by some local kids.  The play was called "Prince Pino of Bachelorville."  Those crazy, clever kiddos! 

The ladies had to audition for the kids to get their roles, which was pretty fun to watch.  Actually, when Blakeley auditioned, it was rather frightening.  She was wearing a cleavage-baring striped romper and looked like a slutty train engineer.  The kids had her running in place and jumping around like a monkey, which I'm surprised didn't give her a couple of black eyes with the way those boobs were flopping around.  Here is the analysis of Blakeley's audition from the mouths of the babes:

Little girl:  “That girl with the…uhhhh…the like…{motioning to chest area}…I wasn’t a fan of her.”

Little boy: “She did good.”

Ahhhh, men are so eloquent when faced with bouncing boobage.  And they start early, don't they?

Here are the girls that went on the group date and the results of the audition:





The women were very good-natured and embraced their roles in the play, and actually seemed to have fun performing it for the community.  After the play, Ben and the group date girls went swimming for the obligatory flesh show.  And there was even...hold on to your britches here...a HOT TUB! 

{Gasp!}  I know.  A hot tub on The Bachelor?  Didn't see that coming at all.  Ben and Jennifer got some time alone and did some kissing.  It was the "you're a girl and only partially clothed, so I feel the need to press some lip" kind of kissing.  Not overly intimate or hot.

Then Blakeley, who kept telling the other girls that she was getting the date rose, attacked Ben in the pool and basically climbed him like a cat up a tree.  Of course, they made out, and this kissing was much hotter.  I have to give Ben credit for restraining his hands and body while this chick was trying to hump him in the swimming pool. 

However, he did reward Blakeley's boob show at the audition and the subsequent pool display by giving her the date rose.  Blakeley then took gloating to a whole new level and pissed off every girl within a 10 mile radius.

                                     ONE-ON-ONE
The next date was for Courtney.  She attempted to insult Kacie B., but since Kacie had the first one-on-one date, Courtney's zinger fell kind of flat.

Anyway, on the date, Courtney and Ben walked through the woods, played with Ben's dog, and sat by a lake and drank wine.  Courtney made sure to mention that no one ever asks her out and she never has dates just so Ben could show how surprised he was.  Need affirmation much, honey?

She's pretty smart, though.  "Tell me more about you."  It's straight from the pages of Charm A Man 101.  It worked pretty well, though, because he gave her the date rose.  Then there was a some kissing, but they were kind of short, shallow kisses.  Ben is totally wrapped around her little finger, though.  This girl is definitely a player, so watch out for her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Kacie B., Courtney, and Blakeley all have roses, but the other women are still in jeopardy, so they need a little time with Ben to convince him how fabulous they are. 

Jenna the nut tries to talk to Ben, but can't seem to complete a sentence.  Here are some of her gems:

"I just feel like....you know.....................I feel like I'm a guy......in how I act."  Big turn on there, girl.  Courtney will be asking you for pointers pretty soon!

"And what people say..........."  Mmmmm kay.

"And I don't want.....I don't want you to think I'm not.......because I might appear as if I am not....."  WTF?  Just spit it out already!  Cheesus!!!

"It's....I mean....it's hard because it's only you, so it's like..."  Run, Ben!  Run for your life!

"I mean.....it's totally worth it, but I'm not like a girl."  Annnnnd, we're back to that.

She kinda sounded like me when I go to the dentist and get the happy gas:  "And then I need to get the third tooth.......and a Whataburger with bacon.......for the TV station......in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue....and I like camels."  Maybe Jenna's been sniffing the nitrous.  I know she hasn't been spending her spare time fixing that nappy hair.  So, Jenna runs off crying.

Now, Blakeley (yes, the one who already has a rose) keeps busting in on everyone else's time.  Remember that Blakeley's profession is listed as "VIP Cocktail Waitress," which means that she just goes topless instead of totally nude, so the guys respect her waaaaaay more.  At this point, everyone wants to beat the dog shit out of her and she begins to notice that conversations stop when she enters the room.  Yeah, they're talking about you, bi-a-tch!  So she gets her wittle feelings hurt and runs off to cry, too.

Everybody's flipping out, Ben is being bombarded with tears and drama and all kinds of bitch hormones hovering in the air.   He finds Blakeley crying on the floor in the corner of a luggage room.  How convenient that he finds her there, right?  Then he discovers Jenna in the fetal position under the covers of a bed.  These women sure have a flair for the dramatic.

Ben's being polite, but you can tell he's thinking, "Somebody get me the fuck out of here!"  He gets a little break while he retires to his deliberation chamber.

While he's deliberating, I will give you my overall awards of the week:



Fashionista of the week:  Lindzi with her one-shoulder coral dress.



Bitch of the Week:  Blakeley

The scores for Bitch of the Week were neck-and-neck between Blakeley and Courtney.  Courtney was kind of reserved at the Rose Ceremony, so she lost a point and is therefore the 1st runner-up.  If, for any reason, the Bitch of the Week cannot fulfill her duties, the 1st runner-up will step into the bitch shoes and continue on with the reign of terror.

So, who went home?



Shawn took her leave with a modicum of dignity, but Jenna...well, she was Jenna up until the very end. 

She walked off with her hands under her armpits like Mary Katherine Gallagher. I kept expecting her to say, “When a guy rejects me, I put my hands under my arms, and then I smell ‘em like THIS.”

Thanks for coming by, and remember that I love your comments, but no spoilers, please!