Unvirtual Reality

DWTS 2012 - Week 1

2012-03-21T01:51:00.001-07:00

Last year's DWTS was about as exciting as a glass of tepid water. I thought this was going to be another season of Dancing With Some Random People Who Are Marginally Known, but I was pleasantly surprised!

First up were T.V. Host Maria Menounos & Derek Hough - I had no idea who Maria was, but it turns out that she's the host of Extra. Does anyone still watch that show?

Derek’s students are always well-prepared, and Maria was no exception. Their cha-cha was very solid with no major mistakes. And most importantly, she didn’t look awkward, which you will learn is a pet peeve for me. And for that alone, I give her an 8. And here are the scores from the judges:
Carrie Ann - 7
Len - 7
Bruno - 7

Actor and Singer Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya - Wagner is mostly known for soap opera roles, but he’s also done some made-for-TV movies and recorded some albums.

Jack and Anna performed a foxtrot that was cute and charmingly cheesy, but their costumes were horrid and reminded me of attire from a 1982 prom.

Fashion faux pas - Exhibit A

Jack's arms started out awkward, but got better as he went on. He was very suave, but he needs to watch his feet. I give him a 7.
CA - 8
L - 7
B - 8

Super Bowl Champion Donald Driver & Peta Murgatroyd - Donald is a wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers.

They performed a nice cha-cha. Raymond had great moves and was a lot of fun to watch. The man knows how to use his legs and booty, and I don’t think he learned that on the football field. His arms and legs got a little wild a couple of times, so I give him a 7.
CA - 7
L - 7
B - 7

Singer and Songwriter Gavin DeGraw & Karina Smirnoff - I didn’t immediately recognize his name, but when I looked him up, I actually know (and like) his music. I was impressed that they actually got somebody contemporary on the show.

They had a good sweet performance in the foxtrot, but Gavin had spatula hands and was a bit stiff. I give him a 7.
CA - 7
L - 6
B - 7

Disney Star Roshon Fegan & Chelsie Hightower - Roshon was in Disney’s Camp Rock. “Yay! I’m a star because I met the Jonas Brothers!”

Dude had some pretty sharp footwork and great musicality in the cha-cha. He threw in some Michael Jackson moves, which was very smooth and cool. I give him an 8.
CA - 8
L - 7
B - 8

T.V. Host and Actress Sherri Shepherd & Val Chmerkovskiy - Sherri is one of the hosts of The View, but I won’t hold that against her, because she actually has a sense of humor. She also recently played Lula in the movie “One For The Money,” which is based on one of my favorite book series. I adore her and can’t wait to see what she’s gonna say each week.

She had some very elegant moments in the foxtrot, but her feet did get twisted up a couple of times. Her performance value was superb! I want to give her a 9 because she’s so dang precious, but if I’m honest, her footwork merited more like a 7. So I’m giving her an 8.
CA - 8
L - 7
B - 8

T.V. icon Melissa Gilbert & Maks Chmerkovskiy - She was Laura Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie, and was also in about a gazillion Lifetime made-for-TV movies where someone was getting abused or kidnapped or something.

Laura Ingalls has traded in her prairie dress for a hot little black number, of which Ma would not approve. In fact, she and Maks both looked HOT in their cha-cha. Melissa’s timing was off a little bit, but this choreography was very difficult. She needs to work on her hips for the next Latin dance, but overall a very solid routine. I give her a 7.

CA - 7

L - 6

B - 7

Actor William Levy & Cheryl Burke - William is a super hot Cuban. I’m not sure what movies or TV shows he’s been in, and I don‘t really give a shit. I just like looking at him. In case you’re wondering what all the fuss is about, here is a picture:

That's right, ladies! Bookmark this page for future use.

William and the very lucky Cheryl performed a cha-cha. He had super hips, and I really didn’t notice anything else. Except for maybe his muscular arms. It took forever to get all of the women, and even some of the men, in the crowd to quiet down after his dance. Holy dear Lord Jesus! He’s sexy and I know it. I look forward to seeing much, much more. (William, if you’re reading this…call me!) I give him a 12.

CA - 8

L - 8

B - 8

Tennis legend Martina Navratilova & Tony Dovolani - She is a breast cancer survivor and the most decorated tennis player of all times.

Her hands were awful in their foxtrot, and she seemed quite awkward, but she looked beautiful! She seemed very nervous and hesitant, but maybe that was because she says she hasn't worn a dress in like 20 years. So far she was the worst of the night, but she does have potential. I give her a 6.
CA - 7
L - 6
B - 7

Classical singer Katherine Jenkins & Mark Ballas - I've never heard of Katherine, but apparently, she's a big deal classical singer from the U.K.

This is one beautiful girl, gorgeous face and fantastic body. She seemed to be made for the foxtrot, and she had graceful arms and wonderful head position and posture. The dance was super smooth, and Katherine just radiated sunshine. I give her a 9. Yes, a 9!

CA - 9
L - 8
B - 9

Music legend Gladys Knight & Tristan MacManus - How gorgeous did Gladys look? She’s the oldest competitor, though I thought she didn’t look a day over 50, and that red dress was stunning!

Work it, sistah!!

Gladys had a naturalness about her that was just fabulous! She occasionally flailed her arms, but she didn’t miss a single step in the cha-cha. The ballroom went wild, and she was immediately greeted by hugs from the other competitors when they went upstairs. You go, Gladys!!!! I give you a hearty 9! (She probably was more of an 8, but I just can’t help myself because she just impressed the crap out of me.)

CA - 8

L - 7

B - 8

T.V. star Jaleel White & Kym Johnson - If you’re like me, you’re probably asking who the hellz Jaleel White is? Why, he’s none other than Steve Urkel from “Family Matters,” that’s who. An interesting note: Jaleel’s first television role was as the son of Flip Wilson and fellow DWTS contender, Gladys Knight, on “Charlie and Company.”

When Jaleel and Kym got through dancing the foxtrot, I squeaked, “Did he do thaaaaat?“ Yes, yes, he did. OMG, people! Urkel done got debonair up in that ballroom!!! He was very smooth and elegant, and I give the anti-Urkel a 9!

CA - 9

L - 8

B - 9

The contestants will dance again next week, before any eliminations. I think this is shaping up to be a great year! Especially with this going on:

Just another gratuitous shot of William Levy - you're welcome, girls!

The Top 13 Perform - American Idol 2012

2012-03-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to another round of American Idol. This week, the female contestants sang Whitney Houston songs and the males sang Stevie Wonder songs. They were mentored by Jimmy Iovine and Mary J. Blige.

The bottom male and the bottom female contestant, according to America's votes, were revealed, and then the judges made the final decision on who was to go home. But we'll get to that in a few minutes.

First up was Joshua Ledet, who sang I Wish. He dropped the gospel-ish tone for this song, which was refreshing. He did a really great job and set the bar high for the other contestants.

Elise Testone was going to sing Greatest Love of All, but Mary J. and Jimmy nixed that and told her to sing I'm Your Baby Tonight, instead. When she started out, she did NOT have her usual spunk and confidence. It was kind of like someone had made her eat raw liver right before she stepped onstage. She really picked it up and started performing about halfway through the song, but the judges were not impressed. I personally thought the judges were a little harsh; at least she stayed in tune.

Next was Knocks Me Off of My Feet, by 6'8" contestant Jermaine Jones. He really loosened up this week and started performing like a pro. He put a nice groove to the music, and really got his big sexy on with this song. He totally made me smile!

Erika Van Pelt was worrying me a little, because Whitney songs do not really seem to suit her voice. But I guess she proved me wrong, because she was actually superb singing I Believe in You and Me. There was a great buildup to the chorus, and then she pulled it back at the end for a little touch of softness. The ending was a nice changeup from her usual power vocals.

Next up was Colton Dixon, who the judges insist on calling "a rocker." Seriously? AC/DC is rock. This dude is way too soft to be a real rocker. He sang Lately, and the last note was really beautiful. Other than that, I was pretty bored with Colton.

My girl, Shannon Magrane, looked awesome in a short black jacket and sparkly black fitted pants while singing I Have Nothing. However, she missed one of her biggest notes, which I haven't heard her do before. I guess it's pretty intimidating to sing Whitney Houston, and her nerves got the better of her. The rest of the song was okay, but she just never seemed to relax.

Deandre, on the other hand, still looked like one half of Milli Vanilli (go look it up, youngsters!). He sang Master Blaster with a reggae beat, and showed great timing and rhythm. He is great onstage for his young age, and this rendition really allowed him to show off his swag. And his hair. His gorgeous, gorgeous hair...not that I'm jealous or anything.

Skylar Lane was next, and I'm generally not a huge fan of hers, but this girl brought it with Where Do Broken Hearts Go. She made a Whitney song country, and it actually sounded like the song was written like that. I still think the stylists need to get ahold of that tacky ass Loretta Lynn hairdo of hers, though.

Heejun Han, the funny man of the Top 13, sang All in Love is Fair. He started out kinda soft and smokey, and honestly, it was a little slow to develop for me. But by the middle and the end, Heejun was bringing it on home!

Hollie was next with All the Man That I Need, one of WH's signature blow-your-eyeballs-out classics. Could cute little Hollie measure up? *Standing ovation* Really. I'm standing here clapping for this chica....which is making it really hard to type. Needless to say, she was fab!

I'm not really sure why Jeremy Rosado was dressed like Mr. Rogers on his way to the bowling alley. I was really a bit confused, and slightly disturbed, by his attire. He sang Ribbon in the Sky, and while it made me want to skip through a grassy meadow, it was not very exciting. He should join a boy band as the not-so-sexy-but-lovable one in the group.

Jessica Sanchez took the biggest risk of the night by singing I Will Always Love You. Holy Hell, that takes some guts! This girl is the real deal, though. She had the audience (and me) totally mesmerized from the very first note. She took that song and kicked it right in the ass. Randy deemed her "one of the best talents in the country," and I must agree, Dawg!

Phillip Phillips rounded out the night with the classic Stevie Wonder tune, Superstitious. He did a kind of amped up rock verson of the song that really showed a lot of intensity. He was my favorite male performance of the night.

Ok, they named the bottom 3 guys: Joshua, Jeremy, and Jermaine. I guess people don't like contestants with names that start with J. Of these three guys, Jeremy Rosado was the lowest vote-getter.

The bottom 3 girls were Erika, Elise (something against E's?), and Shannon. Elise Testone was at the bottom of the pile for the ladies.

When it came down to Elise vs. Jeremy, the judges chose to keep Elise and send Jeremy home. I think this probably pissed JLo off because she seemed to have some kind of weird crush on Jeremy. Oh well, she'll get over it by the next episode.

I'll see you fine folks back here then!

American Idol 2012 - Live Semifinalist Round - The Women Perform

2012-03-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

The night was kicked off by Chelsea Sorrell, singing "Cowboy Casanova." Here's today's tip to the contestants: don't sing Carrie Underwood songs. Please. You will only make yourself sound stupid. Chelsea is a beautiful girl, but she was flat for most of the song, and she wasn't breathing in the right places.

The second lady to sing was Erica Van Pelt. Her rendition of "What About Love" was belted out with her signature power vocals. And she sang ON KEY! Also, I had mentioned during one of the audition posts that she needed a new hairdo, and apparently the show's stylists had their way with her, and she now looks FAB! I love to be right!

Jen Hirsh went third and sang "One and Only". There aren't many who do justice to Adele songs, but Jen pulled it off perfectly. However, the song was very slow to develop and bored me slightly until near the end. Not that it's a bad song....it just didn't butter my bread, so to speak.

Young Brielle Von Hugel sang an old song, "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." This girl thinks she's a lot better than she actually is. Some of the song was pretty good, but some of it was truly BLECH! For some reason, she reminds me of the annoying girl who always gets killed first in horror movies.

Hallie Day sang "Feeling Good." Holy crap, she looked gorgeous! She sang well with a good mix of spunky and sultry. On a side note, does that song make anyone else want to do a strip tease?

Li'l country gal, Skylar Lane, was up next with "Stay with Me." Something about this girl gets on my nerves. It's not her voice, because she stayed in tune. Maybe it's the trailer park hairdo. She was a great performer, though.

Baylie Brown, also in the country genre, tried to sing "Amazed," but she was off key throughout the entire song. She is a beautiful girl and looks great on camera. I think she needs to get an agent and try to get into movies.

Hollie Cavanagh was next with "Reflection," and holy hell! This tiny, unassuming-looking girl blew this song right out of the water. Fabulous!

Haley Johnson sang "Sweet Dreams," with some kind of spacey-sounding background vocals that were very distracting. At one point I actually went outside with a gun to shoot the panther attacking a family of kittens outside. However, there was no panther and no kittens...it was just Haley's screeching.

Next was Shannon Magrane with "Go Light Your World." I just love this 6-foot-tall beauty! She was adorable in her little intro video, plus....the girl can SANG! She's only 16, but she showed so much maturity onstage.

Jessica Sanchez was next, singing, "Love You, I Do." She said that her voice has been sore and hoarse all week, but I think she's full o' poo, because she was near perfect! She has wonderful projection and some big ole pipes. What's up with these young chicks this week? WOW!

Lastly, we saw Elise Testone with yet another Adele song. Ok, people...there are other singers out there besides Adele, okay? Let's move on and find something else to sing, PLEASE! But I digress. We were discussing Elise, who started out at the piano and then got up and started working the crowd. She had a great bluesy feel and sang with a lot of passion. Overall great job!

And on to the results. The top 5 girls for this first week were:

For the Wild Card Round, three guys and three girls were asked to sing a song of their choice. Then each judge got to choose one contestant to save. The girls who were chosen to sing were Jen Hirsh (who was awesome), Brielle Von Hugel (who was pretty sloppy), and Erica Van Pelt (also awesome). If you'll remember from the last post, Steven and Jennifer both chose a guy as their Wild Card. Randy, however, chose Erica as his, unfortunately letting the wonderful Jen Hirsh go.

American Idol 2012 - Live Semifinalist Round - The Men Perform

2012-03-03T00:53:00.000-08:00

iOk, I know I've been missing in action, but I actually have a good excuse: My darling daughter dropped my laptop (which contained all of my blog info) and broke it. It is now in the repair shop, and I hope to have it back soon.

So, we are skipping the rest of the auditions and going straight to the first week of the live shows. On Tuesday evening, the Top 12 men performed. Actually, there were 13, because the judges brought one male contestant back, but we will get to that later.

First up was wacky dude, Reed Grimm, who sang the popular song "Moves Like Jagger." He sang a jazzy version of it, which totally made this modern song sound rather old-fashioned. Strangely enough, I kinda dug it, man.

Adam Brock was next, and sang "Think." Though it was an Aretha Franklin song, he sang it with masculinity and incredible soul.

Deandre Brackensick, aka Milli (or was it Vanilli?) sang "Reasons" by Earth, Wind & Fire. His falsetto, hip swaying, and gorgeous hair will turn this young guy into a lady-killer. And a superstar!

Much ado has been made about Colton Dixon. First of all, his Vanilla Ice 'do gets on my last nerve. Then he said that everyone was used to seeing him at the piano, but tonight he was going to shock people. Ready for the shocker? He started out at the piano, and then he STOOD UP! OMG! Shocking stuff right there. The singing (he sang "Decode) was decent, and the judges kept saying that he's a "relevant artist." I say, "Meh."

Next up was Jeremy Rosado singing, "Gravity." He has such a silky voice, but showed very little power. He did a nice job, though.

Aaron Marcellus sang "Never Can Say Goodbye" by the Jackson 5. The judges loved him, but he didn't really blow my britches off. I think he would fit it well with an R&B group like Boys 2 Men. But solo R&B artists are a dime a dozen, and he doesn't really stand out amongst the big dogs.

Chase Likens is a country performer who sang "Storm Warning." He didn't show a lot of range with this song, but with his unique look, he's very appealing as a performer.

The next singer was Creighton Fraker. This dude is so dorky! He sang "True Colors," and managed to sound even more girly than Cyndi Lauper. He reminds me of my goofy uncle when he tries to sing Patti Labelle at karaoke night. I probably should mention that I think "True Colors" is one of the most boring and over-rated songs of all time. It makes me want to hit myself in the head with a hammer everytime I hear it. Sorry, Creighton, but I'm not a fan.

Now, this next guy....I'm a big fan! Phillip Phillips sang "In the Air," but did it with a smokey, bluesy vibe. I liked the chorus much better than the verse because he stayed truer to the melody. But I can't wait to hear more from this fellow. He's a true original!

Eben Franckewitz sang "Set Fire to the Rain." His rendition was nowhere near as good as Adele's. He didn't hit all his notes, but good try, kiddo. You did show great confidence. Get rid of the Justin Beiber hairdo and that snazzy blazer, and you might be a bit more appealing.

Next was Heejun Han, who cracks me up everytime he is interviewed. He sang "Angels," and I felt like he was holding back a bit at first. However, when he let loose, it was beautiful. I agree with the judges that his vocal range wasn't fully expressed with this song. Step it up, Heejun! I want you around longer, because you make me smile!

The last of the original Top 12 was Joshua Ledet, who sang, "You Pulled Me Through." Josh took us to church, and then brought us back home and fed us Sunday dinner. It was a bit gospel-ly for American Idol, but there's no denying that the boy sang the shit out of that song!

And lastly, the guy that the judges brought back was:

Jermaine Jones! Awwww, I love this big ole fella! He sang "Dance With My Father." Ahhhhh, not many people can jam some Luther, but Jermaine did it with style. I coulda done without the ginormous purple plaid bow tie, though.

I'm gonna do a separate post for the ladies, so I will go ahead and give you the results for the men now. The top 5 guys were:

But wait! It's not over yet! Each judge gets 1 wild card choice, so they asked the following guys to sing again: Jeremy Rosado, Deandre Brackensick, and Reed Grimm. Jennifer chose Jeremy, and Steven chose Deandre.

You'll have to wait for the results from the ladies to see who Randy picked.

American Idol 2012 - Aspen Auditions

2012-02-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

American Idol's next stop was bee-yoo-tee-full Aspen, Colorado.

Now THIS is an outfit that
screams, "I work with
small children."

First up was ultra-energetic Jenni Schick, age 24, from VA. She is an elementary school music teacher who was dressed in a tight miniskirt and thigh-high leather boots....you know, like all elementary teachers dress. She sang “Heartbreaker,” and did a very good job, so she got through to the next round.

Prediction: I don’t think she will make it past the 2^nd round in Hollywood.

Next was Curtis Gray, age 28 from FL. He was a very good singer and a nice looking fellow. Prediction: Not a huge standout to me. Unless he blows my bra off in Hollywood, he won’t make it to the live show.

Richie Law, age 19 from CO was trying to be the next Scotty McCreery with his deep country vocal. He was slightly dorkier than Scotty, if that’s possible. Prediction: Not a contender.

Devan Jones, age 26 from CO was the exact opposite. He had a very high-pitched voice, suited for singing R&B. It was lovely, but not the best I’ve ever heard. Prediction: Maybe I was in a bad mood when I was watching this episode, but none of these folks are making me swoon. Again, not a contender.

Dorky girl Tealana Hedgespeth, age 19 of CO has a twin sister, and she kept talking about how talented her sis was. She told the judges that she was tired of living in her sister’s shadow, and she just wanted to shine. Ummmm, I’m not sure if “shine” is the word I would use to describe what she did. She had no rhythm and certainly no talent; the Melissa Etheridge song she sang was virtually unrecognizable.

Prediction: She will murder her twin in a fit of jealous rage.

Log cabin dweller, Haley Smith, age 18 of UT was very awkward during her interview, but she sang very well. She is in dire need of a stylist with her frumpy hair and unfortunate blazer. Randy said that she “knows who she is,” which is generally what they say to unattractive people with bad hair.

Prediction: She was a pleasant surprise, but I think she’ll get swallowed up in Hollywood.

Next up was Alanna Snare, age 22 from CO. She is a bartender/waitress at a restaurant that is famous for Rocky Mountain Oyster, which are bull testicles. She attempted to sing “Jolene,” and I think I figured out how the bulls lost their balls. They fell off due to extreme distress from having to listen to Alanna sing. Prediction: She will advance her career by castrating elephants and rhinos with her voice.

Shelby Tweten, age 17 of MN is bipolar, and said that auditioning for American Idol is the only reason she takes her medication. She was a pretty girl with a decent voice. Prediction: I don’t think she will make it to the live show. Hopefully, she will find another reason to stay on her meds, because basing your mental health on such an unlikely dream is a horrible idea.

Angie Zeiderman, age 25 of FL wants to open for Lady Gaga and then be best friends with her. Yeah, that’s gonna happen, honey. She sang some kind of show tune and wallowed around on the floor a lot. Then she sang “Blue Bayou,” and it was much better and got her through to the next round.

Prediction: She won’t make it to the Top 12, but she will receive a massive head injury from a rogue platform shoe accident at a Lady Gaga concert.

An air guitarist who goes by the name of Magic Cyclops and speaks in a British accent (even though he is from Iowa) totally ruined the song “Margaritaville” for me.

Prediction: Hopefully, he will now make a career out of air singing.

There were a total of 31 golden tickets given out in Aspen.

Bachelor Ben - Week 5 - Nicki, Elyse, and Baseball Bitchiness

2012-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

This week, Ben and the Babes are in Puerto Rrrrico. I’m really good at rolling my r’s; can you tell? This week, everyone will get a date, so no one will be left out. One less thing for the girls to whine about, but I’m sure they’ll find SOMETHING.

ONE-ON-ONE

Nicki got the first individual date, and she looked adorable in a bright one-shoulder print dress. They took a helicopter to Old San Juan, where they started walking around town. Until it started raining like crazy. They ran and laughed and kissed in the rain, and Ben was impressed that Nicki went with the flow and didn’t bitch about their date being spoiled by rain. So they went and picked out some new clothes for each other in an authentic Puerto Rican shop. Nicki looked cute in a loose red and floral dress, and Ben looked kind of like Panama Jack. But it was all in good fun, so I'll forgive him for dressing like a doofus this time.

That evening, they sipped wine and talked about Nicki’s divorce. She expressed that she just wanted a second chance at love, and Ben gave her the date rose. Then they did some kissy-poo stuff. It was kind of affectionate, but not passionate. Though Ben seemed to like hanging out with Nicki, he didn’t touch her face with his hands when they were kissing, and he didn’t really pull her close for that all-important body contact. Just kind of….meh.

GROUP DATE

The girls met Ben at a baseball stadium and go through some drills. Chris Harrison showed up and told the girls that they would be competing in a baseball game. The winning team would get a “romantic” beach party with Ben. The losers would go back to the hotel. Since there was an uneven number, Ben had to pick one girl to be on both teams, giving her the distinct advantage of going to the beach party, no matter which team won. Ben picked Lindzi for this most high honor. Chris picked Courtney and Blakeley to be the captains and they chose their teams.

There was a lot of trash talking before and during the game, which was to be 2 innings. Ben was the designated pitcher. The girls were much better hitters than fielders, with the exception of Blakeley, who was a kick-ass fielder! The teams kept tying, so they played a bunch of extra innings. Jennifer ended up striking out, so the Red Team won, and Jenn became the big fat loser of the day. You have never seen such a spectacle of crying and whining as the Blue Team put on. They were acting like they lost the World Series.

A helicopter picked the winners up and took them to the beach party. The losers rode home on a bus, where they cried and lamented their loss…awwww. At the beach party, complete with bonfire, Ben chatted with each of the ladies separately, and Kacie B. got the date rose.

Courtney was NOT happy about this, so she went to Plan B: act like a slut. They walked on the beach, where she told Ben that she wanted to “like, just, like, be alone with you, and, like, be, like, romantic, and go like, skinnydipping with you.” Poor Ben just didn't seem to know what to think.

ONE-ON-ONE

Elyse was the only one who hadn’t been on a date in Puerto Rrrrico, so she got the next one-on-one. She (like Nickie) wore a cute one-shoulder dress, but in a beautiful coral color. One-shoulder dresses must be the protocol for Puerto Rrrrican dates. Ben and Elyse went out on an awesome yacht (at least it wasn’t another fucking helicopter!) and talked…and drank wine, of course. Then they jumped off the boat and swam in the water together.

Elyse told the camera that she thought Ben was the man she was going to marry. Uhhhh, not so quick, honey! At dinner on the beach that evening (where they both magically appeared in formal clothes…I have really got to get a ticket to BachelorLand, because cool shit like that happen all the time there), Ben just didn’t seem to be bit by the Elyse bug, so he sent her packing.

Who dat?

UNSCHEDULED "DATE"

When Ben comes home from his date with Elyse, Courtney is waiting near his door, dressed only in a robe. He politely invites her in, and she offers to draw him a bath or give him a massage ("I've got some lotion in my pocket."). Plan Slut is in full effect here, folks! They sit and drink some wine - I swear these are the wine-drinkingest bastards I've ever seen in my life - and then Miss Frisky Britches suggested that they take the wine out on the beach and "do something else out there." Is that what these crazy kids are calling it these days?

So they went down to the beach and Courtney wanted to go skinny dipping. She kept saying that you're only in Puerto Rico once. Really? Is that like a law or something? So they strip down and go out into the water. I'm not going to post the picture, because I'm sure you've seen it.

Is there anyone out there that honestly DOESN'T think they did the nasty out in the ocean? Maybe she ended up with some funky plankton infestation in her vajayjay. She finished the segment with an interview, again quoting that wisest of humans, Charlie Sheen: I feel like I'm WINNING. Because, apparently, that's what it's all about. And here I though it was all about the hokey pokey.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Ben tells the camera that he feels kind of crappy about his and Courtney's "intimate moment" from the night before. So he decided to get some time with the other women, even though his hairdo made him look like Alfalfa, but without the point at the top.

He kissed Jennifer, he kissed Blakeley, and he kissed Rachel. He's a player, this Benny-boy!

Emily talks to Ben and apologizes for ratting out Courtney as this season's bitch last week. Then she turns around and calls Courtney a weirdo and a deceiver, aaaaannnnd, she totally lost him. He told her again to drop it and to be careful. No kissy face for her.

And now for the overall awards for the week:

Fashionista of the week: Elyse

Slut of the week: Courtney

ROSE CEREMONY

Nicki and Kacie B. were already safe. Roses went to: Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., and Blakeley. There was only one rose left, and Jennifer and Emily were the last two ladies. Will he finally kick out tattletale Emily? Nope! In a shocker, the redheaded doll, Jennifer was booted!

American Idol 2012 - San Diego Auditions

2012-01-30T23:06:00.000-08:00

For the San Diego auditions, American Idol was on the USS Midway, which served as an aircraft carrier for the U.S. Navy. Judge Steven Tyler came prepared.

DAY 1

The first contestant, Jennifer Diley, age 19 from OH is currently working as a sushi bar waitress (of course she is), and came dressed in a red, white, and blue bikini. Well, maybe Baby Got Back, but she didn’t have Talent.

Prediction: Miss Diley will become a hair model for Herbal Essence Shampoo.

Single mom, Ashley Robles, age 26 of CA has an adorable 5-year-old daughter. Ashley told the judges she was going to sing “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, and my first thought was, “Oh, shitsters! Here’s another one who is going to butcher this song! {sigh}” But girlfriend could blow! She hit all the high notes with gusto, and she is very pretty! Prediction: She will be the one in the Top 12 that gets sent home early because all she will sing is ballads, and America will get bored with her.

Jayrah Gibson, age 26 of CA wrote JLo a song called, “Shake Your Money Maker.” He gave a little sample of it, and then sang an R&B song pretty well. Jayrah got through to Hollywood with three yeses. Prediction: Will not make it past Group Night in Hollywood.

Aubree Dieckmeyer, age 20 from CA seemed to have forgotten for which show she was auditioning. At first, she said she wanted to be America’s Next Top Model. Then she kept fumbling over “next American Idol.” But by the time she got in front of the judges, she remembered exactly what to do. Her voice was so sweet, and she made it to Hollyweird! Prediction: Randy said she lacked some power in her upper ranges, and I agree, and think this may keep her out of the Top 12, because there are some powerful girls this year.

Next was Ali Shields, age 19 from CA. She was on TV once before, when she got to meet Ellen Degeneres because she wrote a song for the funny talk show host, and Ellen was quite impressed. So, Ali tells the Idol judges that she’s going to rap for them. Please note that she’s a white girl, but she was really funny. Randy asked her to do a ghetto dance and she did an impressive little booty pop. Then she sang an actual song and did a very good job, and made it through to the next round. Prediction: Though she was one of my favorite auditioners, she won’t make it much farther. Her voice is good, but not outstanding.

DAY 2

Jennifer arrived looking gorgeous in this Stella McCartney dress.

For some reason, I couldn't find a pic of her standing up in this dress, but trust me, she was a stunner!

First was Kyle Cruise, age 19 from CA. He’s a frat boy from Cal Berkeley, so I really didn’t want to like him, but I just couldn’t help myself! He started singing and it made me say, “Day-um!”

Prediction: Strong contender for the Top 12. Depends on what he sings during Hollywood Week.

When one particularly horrible young lady was singing (sorry, didn’t catch her name), Steven yelled out, “I went through 4 hours of $*#%& hair and makeup to listen to this %@&*^$%@. Bahaha! I love that crazy guy! Except for when I see this:

AGGGHHHHH - Man boobies!

Jane Carrey, age 24 from CA was the next contestant. She seemed really sweet and down-to-earth, considering her dad is Jim Carrey - yes, THAT Jim Carrey! JLo recalled seeing the little girl when she was tiny. Remember that Jennifer was a Fly Girl on “In Living Color” when Jim Carrey was a character on there. So, are you thinking the same thing I am: How the hell much plastic surgery has JLo had done? Damn, if she was already working when this young lady was a baby, Jenn should NOT look quite so awesome. Couldn’t she have some warts or saggy boobs or something? Anyway, back to Jane. She had a very decent singing voice, and got through to the next round.
Prediction: She’s a delightful girl, but her voice is not potent enough for the stage yet. Daddy needs to pony up some dough and get her a voice instructor, because she can definitely carry a tune. She just needs some instruction.

The last contestant in San Diego was Jason “Wolf” Hamlin, age 24 from CA. He brought to the audition his git-fiddle, which is just a hillbilly way of saying “guitar.” How the hell did this guy get to Cali, anyway? Perhaps was he shootin’ at some food? And then up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude? I just wonder if there is a cement pond or any critters in his back yard. Anyhoo, ~~Jethro~~ Jason sang “Midnight Special,” and did a pretty good job. Steven wanted him to sing something else, and the judges agreed he could play his guitar. The Wolf busted out with some Johnny Cash, and tore….it…UP! Unanimous yes votes!

Prediction: When he’s playing his guitar, he’s golden. When he’s not, he’s average. I think he’ll go down in one of the non-guitar rounds in Hollywood. I’m not sure they truly want him in the live shows anyway. He’s a little rough around the edges, but that’s what would make him appealing to many voters!

53 Total Golden Tickets in San Diego

American Idol 2012 - Pittsburgh Auditions

2012-01-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

This is the first year American Idol has ever been to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so let’s see what these folks can do!

DAY 1

First up was Heejun Han, age 22 from NY. He seemed very nervous and from the clips they were showing, it seemed like he was going to be a joke. However, he sang “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” by Michael Bolton, and this boy’s got SOUL…and the voice of an angel. He seemed surprised that they liked him. I love it when someone doesn’t know how awesome they are!

Prediction: Definitely Top 12 material, because he’s got a very distinctive tone, and he’s humble and sweet and goofy.

Reed Grimm, age 26 from WI surprised the judges by singing the theme song to Family Matters. He started out with some great scatting and went into a fun rendition of the song. He’s a great performer and the judges liked him a lot. Prediction: I’m hoping he makes it to the Top 12. I would love to see him on the big stage. I think he will if he keeps his performance value and doesn’t get lost in the crowd.

Aaron Marcellus, age 27 from NJ was an excellent singer, and he seemed like a personable guy. Prediction: They just showed a very short clip, so not really enough to predict on, but he does have the voice to make it pretty far.

Next was Chase Likens, age 20 from WV. Chase sang country very well, and he was a nice-looking fellow with beautiful eyes. Very marketable. Prediction: Again, this was a very short clip, but the judges liked him, so he may be the token male country singer this year.

Samantha Novacek, age 19 from PA came in with her sister. Were they doing a duet? Uhhhh, not exactly. Samantha was singing and her sister was “planking Samantha to Hollywood.” Sam got through, but her sister is going to have to plank her ass back home.

Prediction: Good voice, but just not special enough without the planking gimmick.

Then we were introduced to self-proclaimed starving artist, Creighton Fraker, age 28 from NY. He couldn’t decide what to sing, so he just wrote a song on the 9-hour bus ride to Pitt. He won them over with his voice and a tiny bit of ego stroking because the song he wrote was about the 3 judges. Dude was very good, though I personally like men with deeper voices. And tell me he doesn’t look a bit like George Michaels!

Prediction: He will either make it very far, or he’ll get caught soliciting prostitutes in the men’s bathroom at Applebees.

Eben Franckewitz from OH is only 15 years old. He’s just super nice and his family is super supportive and coming to American Idol was just super awesome! Everything was just super groovy! Lordy mercy, I thought I was watching the Brady Bunch will all of that positivity and love floating around. Prediction: Eben does have a great voice, but he’s going to get eaten alive in Hollywood.

Next was Travis Orlando, Age 17 from NY. Travis tried out last year too, and is hoping for better results this time. After last year, his mom left them for a boyfriend, they got evicted from their apartment and moved into a shelter, and now his dad‘s on dialysis. Then Travis dropped out of high school. He got through to Hollywood, but not one word about him dropping out of school. I definitely think they should have put him through, but with the stipulation that he use the tutors that Idol provides to finish his education. Prediction: I’m thinking he will get to the very end in Hollywood, and then will probably make it through, because Idol loves the drama.

And that was just Day 1 of Pittsburgh. I was disappointed that there wasn’t a lot of stupidity and nonsense, but we’ve still got Day 2. Come on! Let’s bring out the crazy, Pitt!

DAY 2

First up on Day 2 was Erika Van Pelt, age 25 of RI. She is a mobile DJ and a wedding singer, and really sang her booty off! This girl can do absolutely amazing things with her voice!!!

Prediction: I would go so far as to describe Erika’s voice as incomparable. She will make the Top 12, and if she gets a makeover and scraps her unflattering hairdo, she will go far!

Next was 19-year-old coal miner Shane Bruce from WV. Good voice, but not much depth. He didn’t get through, but he’s got potential. Prediction: He will come back next year and make it through to Hollywood, but not make the live show.

The final auditioner of Day 2 was Hallie Day, age 24 from MA. Hallie dropped out of high school at age 15 and moved to NY and joined a girl group. They didn’t become superstars, so she ended up coming back home, where she tried to commit suicide by taking pills. Luckily, Hallie now has the support of a good husband, and he encourages her music. She sang “I Will Survive” with some moments of brilliance, but I hope she tones it down a smidge in the future, because it came out slightly screechy in parts to me. Of course they put her through. Prediction: She will survive all the way to the Top 12!

You ever notice how much reality shows love former addicts and high school dropouts? For instance, Chris Rene from the X Factor didn’t have half the talent of some of the contestants, and yet he made it to the Top 3. Do you think he would have made it that far if he hadn’t told his story of addiction and recovery? I know it gives hope to some people going through recovery, but I have to wonder if it also sends the message to kids that it's okay to make horrible decisions, because you can still be a STAR one day, when that rarely happens. Rather, the outcome is much more often jail or death. Something to think about…..

Bachelor Ben - Week 4 - Rachel, Jennifer, and Some Fish Kissing

2012-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

Ben wants to take the girls on more outdoorsy dates, because that’s very important to him, and there are not many places more naturally beautiful than Park City, Utah. Ben arrived in a helicopter, which is the first appearance of the helicopter this season, by my count.

ONE-ON-ONE

Rachel got the first date in Park City. Annnnnnd we have the 1^st helicopter date. All the other girls run out onto the balconies and stare like they’ve never seen a whirlybird before. And they all act SOOOO shocked that someone gets to go on a helicopter date. Attention, people of BachelorLand: There will ALWAYS be a helicopter date. Seriously, if they haven't already, the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows should just buy their own helicopter.

Ben and Rachel landed and went out in a canoe on a beautiful lake. I was impressed that New York girl, Rachel, seemed to enjoy the canoe ride and the whole nature thing. Then they sat on the bank to talk and drink wine, but there were a lot of awkward pauses and forced conversation. At one point, Ben even felt the need to point out, “That’s a beaver dam.” Gee, can’t you just feel the romance?

In the evening, they went to a little cabin where there was more awkward conversation. Then finally Rachel got all chatty and let Ben know that in the past she has had trouble opening up in relationships (ummm, no shit, Princess Obvious). And she said the word, “open” about 38 times in a one minute period. Ahhhh, we’re talking about “openness” now. Next will be “putting yourself out there,” which is personally my favorite, because it makes me think of getting flashed.
After all this openness, they went outside to a fire and ate S’mores, which was pretty sweet and fun. Rachel barely eked out a rose this time, but I don’t think she will last too much longer.

GROUP DATE

The girls are walking down an open trail, and Ben comes riding up on a horse. There’s nothing finer than a man that can ride a horse and look manly doing it. Ben looked pretty good, but I must say that my favorite man in the saddle was Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall.” Let’s just take a moment to enjoy the hotness that is Brad Pitt in that movie.

Ok, that last one isn't actually from Legends of the Fall,
but what self-respecting woman could leave that
picture out?

Mmmmmmmmm. Wait? Where was I? Oh yeah, this blog thingy. So, Ben and the ladies rode horses to a river where they were going to do some fly fishing. They had to put on waders and boots and get into the water.

Courtney said she had never fished before. Well, no shit, Princess. You didn’t exactly knock me over with a feather with that info. She kept telling the camera how she was going to turn this group date into a one-on-one with just her and Ben, and then made a lot of fishing references to "catching" a man and Ben "taking the bait," blah, blah, blah. She ended up catching a fish, and doing a lot of squealing and insisting (in a babyish voice) that she and Ben kiss the fish. Then she simpered, “He’s so cute, Ben,” and I really wanted to knock the buck off her teeth at that point.

That night the girls were spending time poolside, and Ben chatted with Casey S. She looked really cute and they had a nice chat about relationships. Nothing earth-shattering…step up your game, Casey!

Nicki interrupted with her red nose. But she was really sweet and thanked Ben for bringing her on dates, even though she’s only been on group dates so far. He seemed to appreciate that. They discussed some friends that they lost right before coming to L.A. for the show, and made a connection and did a little kissing. Ben appeared to be enjoying kissing Nicki, but of course, they were interrupted.

Samantha sashayed in to get some time with Ben, and immediately began aggressively berating him because she has only gotten group dates and she wants a one-on-one date. He told her that the reason he hasn’t asked her out on an individual date was because she was highly emotional on the group dates, which was a nice way of saying that she is an annoying shrew, and he would rather cut off his right arm than have to spend an entire day with her. She kept trying to smile, but she actually looked horrified like Ben had farted on her favorite pillow. But she still whined for a chance, which any idiot would know was the last thing Ben wanted to hear. Ben said he didn’t see it going anywhere and thought they should end it right then.

Now, the gossip is that Samantha had feelings for one of the show’s producers (who happens to be married), and that’s why she left. I’m just wondering if the gossip got a little mixed up and perhaps it was Brittney (who left of her own accord last week) who was doing the hanky panky with Mr. Producer Man. Hmmmmm…something to think about!

So, back to the group date: Ben takes Kacie B. to his room and reassures her that she is wonderful. They spent a bit of time together kissing and snuggling. I think he really likes her, and I think Courtney knows it too. And it pisses….her….OFF!

So Court gets time alone with Ben and gripes that her spirits are down because there were other women on the group date and that just brought her down. Awwww, poor baby! Well, she freaks Ben out by telling him that now she questions their relationship. He tells her that he likes her a lot, and she just sighs and rolls her eyes and says, “Okaaayyyyyy.” In other words, she wants him to prove it by neglecting everyone else. Or possibly by giving her the date rose? Which he did immediately. Gawd, he is so whipped. She smelled the rose again because apparently she’s forgotten what the fuck roses smell like since last week. She also makes it a point to say, “I do” every time he gives her a rose. She’s a smart one, this girl.

ONE-ON-ONE
The next date went to pretty redhead, Jennifer. She and Ben hiked to the top of a hill where there was a fence that said, “No Trespassing.” So of course they climbed over it and saw a big rusty cage over a deep crater. They were to rappel down and then drop into the water. Ben made some platitudes about “taking the plunge together” and relationships being about “diving into the unknown.” More blah, blah, blah. Who writes this stuff, anyway?

After all the plunging, they rode up a ski lift and looked at the beautiful scenery and then had a private dinner outside. Then it started raining like crazy. Ben gave her the rose, and then they went to a Clay Walker concert, where Ben again demonstrated his lack of any rhythm at all!

COCKTAIL PARTY

Emily decides to tell Ben that Courtney is not the sweet, vulnerable angel he thinks she is. Ben basically (but very nicely) tells her to mind her own beeswax because focusing on someone else would be her “own demise.” Oooh, getting a little pissy there, Big Ben. And here I thought you and Emily had such a connection because of the whole bridge-climbing-conquering-our-fears-together thingy. That what you said LAST week!

Let me just give a little bit of advice to anyone who ever plans on being a contestant on this show. DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell the Bachelor or Bachelorette that someone is not there for the right reasons or that another contestant is a narcissistic asshole. Especially if the Bach has show that this particular contestant is one of their favorites. It WILL backfire on you, so hold your tongue and don’t be honest!

Emily tells Casey S. and Jamie about her conversation with Ben, and Casey S. defends Courtney, saying that Courtney is genuine and not fake at all. Casey…honey pie….are you naïve or just stupid? Maybe you’ve got a cute little ditzy blonde thing going on? So Casey runs off and tells Courtney everything they talked about and that Emily had discussed Courtney’s social shortfalls with Ben. (OMG, just describing this, I feel like a 4^th grader.)
　
So, NOW it’s ON! Courtney started with the weirdo mouth twisting crap again. Regarding Emily, she said she wanted to “rip her head off and verbally assault her.” WTF? I’m pretty sure that once you rip someone’s head off, they won’t really care about verbal assault. Maybe she doesn’t know what “verbal” means.

Emily and Courtney give each other the evil eye for a while, and then Courtney tells Emily that she’s on her shit list. Then she walks off and says “Winning!” That’s about the 3^rd time she’s said that this season. More advice: Quoting Charlie Sheen really does nothing to prove your mental stability.

ROSE CEREMONY

Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer have roses and are safe. Samantha left during the group date, so only one woman was going home tonight. Ben handed out roses to Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, and Casey S. It's down to the last rose, and Emily and Monica are left. Emily was sweating at this time, convinced that Ben was going to send her home because she tattled on Courtney earlier in the night. However, after a dramatic pause, Ben gave the rose to Em and said bye-bye to Monica.

Ben announced that they would be going to Puerto Rico next, and Courtney batted her eyelashes and looked down demurely and said, “I was just there 2 months ago,” obviously referring to a modeling shoot. Because she just had to remind everyone that she’s a model. That way no one can forget how awesome she is. Thanks for the reminder, C!

Seriously, that girl is nuttier than a squirrel turd.

American Idol 2012 - Savannah Auditions, Day 2

2012-01-27T17:26:00.000-08:00

American Idol was back in Savannah for Day 2 of the Georgia auditions.

Mawuena Kodjo, age 25 from West Africa was the first contestant of the day. It’s never a good sign when every word you say has to have subtitles. Mawuena tried to sing Rascal Flatts, and it made me cry. Not in a good way. All three judges said no. Shocker. He said he thought the judges were wrong (another shocker!), so Randy told him to go find some people who actually thought he was good. He found 4 little girls and an old country dude. Steven told the kids to get mommy to wash the wax out of their ears, and then they sent Mawuena home…again. Prediction: He will have a long and happy life as a Slurpee machine repairman.

Ashlee Altise, age 28 from N.C. was lots of fun and had an undeniable spunkiness. I liked her singing and I totally wanna hang out with her. She charmed the judges with her talent and personality and got through to the next round. Prediction: I will have to hear more, but so far I’m not predicting her for top 12.

W.T. Thompson, age 25 from VA worked for a federal prison, before he quit this perfectly good job with benefits to audition for Idol. And he has a baby on the way. He said he had to make a decision between a job and a dream, and he chose the dream. Yeah, dude…you do that dream shit BEFORE you start a family, because once you’re responsible for a child, that child should be your dream. His singing was good, but not great. Certainly not worth throwing away your job that will provide food, shelter, and insurance for your wife and child. Prediction: Unless he gets a lot of work on his voice, I don’t think he’s got a chance at making the live show. If your wife is pregnant and you’re gonna quit your job on a lark, you’d better be damned amazing, and this guy isn’t. Sorry I’m lecturing, but it just pisses me off.

Then there were a bunch of clips of Steven Tyler kissing every female in sight, including some grandmas. He’s like the Richard Dawson of modern times.

Erica Nowak age 28 from NY, said Steven Tyler is her future ex-husband. He hugged her and the she grabbed his ass. Way to keep it trashy, Erica! Then she hugged Randy and grabbed his ass too. Poor JLo didn't get her bionic booty grabbed. Erica didn’t sing worth a crap and didn’t get through. Thank goodness. Prediction: She will soon become the next manager of the Happy Harbor trailer park in Cooterville, AR.

Brittany Kerr, age 24 from NC wins the award for most gorgeous contestant! Very good voice, not the best ever, but combined with her looks, I would say she’s the most marketable so far in Savannah. Does anyone else think this chica looks a lot like Carrie Underwood? I like her because she looked sexy even without dressing provocatively (aka, like a $2 hooker), and that‘s something young girls should take note of today. I would love to see her make the top 12 because I think she would be stunning on stage, and it would be interesting to see what style choices she made as far as clothes, shoes, and hair. Prediction: I don’t think her voice is quite strong enough yet. *Sad face*

Phillip Phillips, age 20 from GA was the last one of the day, though the judges were all of sudden wearing their clothes from day one. Hmmmmm. Phillip sang Superstitious with more soul than Stevie Wonder. And that’s hard to do. Randy wanted him to play his guitar, so he did an acoustic version of Thriller. Boy has got the voice and the guitar skills. He’s a special one. And then we got the 1^st “you’re an artist” from Randy and Jennifer.
Prediction: I see this guy in the top 12, and making it very far.

42 total golden tickets from Savannah with some very promising prospects.

American Idol 2012 - Savannah Auditions, Day 1

2012-01-27T00:44:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologize for being a little behind on this blog. I've been helping out with a benefit event for some dear friends who lost their restaurant to a fire. I should get back to normal after the benefit this weekend.

YAY! American Idol is back, and they started their year out in Savannah, Georgia for the first round of auditions. Jennifer Lopez arrived looking fresh in a sparkly peach shirt and a sleek ponytail. Randy was in a white shirt and his trademark cool glasses. Judge Steven Tyler arrived in his outfit he raided from Rondo the Pimp's closet.

Hey, Steven! My grandma wants her blouse back
when you're done with it!

The first auditioner was David Leathers, Jr., age 17 from N.C. - He looked about 12, and actually beat last year’s winner Scotty McCreery in a local competition in 2009! This kid could sing, and had a kind of Michael Jackson-esque vibe. He easily got through. Prediction: Will experience some drama during the group competition and won't make the top 12.

Then they saw Neco Starr, age 20 from GA. Cool name, great voice. Prediction: Will make it pretty far, but not sure if he's special enough to make it to the live shows. Will depend on the rest of the auditions.

Next was Gabi Carrubba, age 16 from Connecticut. She's not stage shy, because she has been tap dancing since she was a toddler. She is a great singer, but it's not just that. She truly has a natural ability to just feel the song and go with it. Prediction: Possibility for top 12.

Elise Testone, age 28 from S.C. had a super strong soulful voice.

Prediction: She will be the token "soul singer" in the top 12.

Bonus Prediction: This is what Britney Spears will look like in about 10 years. ------------------------>

Next was the painful musical stylings of one Jessica Whitely, age 19 from Ohio. She was one of those people who thinks they can sing really good, so they don’t hold back. And then it’s really terrible…and loud. It sounded like a goat being raped by an elephant. (Don't ask me how I know what that sounds like. It's best you don't know.)

After all three judges turned her down, she said, “I’ll see you in Texas, then.” Nuh uh, girl! Don't you bring that shit over here to the Lone Star State!

Prediction: Someone here in Texas is going to think she's hurting an animal, and they will shoot her.

Shaun Kraisman, age 26 from SC was a Ryan Seacrest look-alike. He even had the mannerisms, timing, and voice down. He was a decent singer, but didn't make it through to Hollyweird.

Prediction: He will end up in the hospital after a disgruntled auditioner mistakes him for Ryan Seacrest in a night club and beats him with a Bedazzled microphone. After extensive plastic surgery, he will eerily resemble Steven Tyler.

Six-foot-tall Shannon Magrane is only 15 years old and wears a size 11 shoe. (Just for the record, my daughter, Miss Smarty Britches, is only 10 years old and wears a size 11 shoe!) Shannon's father is Joe Magrane, who played for the St. Louis Cardinals. She was a very good singer, and got through. Prediction: I liked her a lot, and I think she will make the Top 12 because she was very likable.

Amy Brumfield, aka "Tent Girl," lives in a tent and poops in the wood. I do have to admire her tenacity for finding a way to live within her means instead of being a whiny ass moocher. She was a decent singer, but not a superstar.

Prediction: I don't think she will make it to the live show. Not marketable enough, though she has a "story," and we all know that AI likes a "story."

Joshua Chavis, age 23 from S.C. likens his sound to Chris Daughtry and Brad Paisley. Yeah. He lied, or perhaps was delusional. He sang with a fervor and enthusiasm that would draw you right in if it were not so horrible. So Mr. Sunshine Britches decided to sing another song, which was as horrible as the first. After he was told “no,” he started yelling at the camera and flipping the bird to the audience. So, now we’ve seen the 1^st hissy fit of the season. And isn't that why we all tune in to the auditions? Prediction: He will go on to record a horrible and insipid song with Rebecca Black and become an internet sensation.

Stephanie Renae, age 15 from FL has been watching Idol and dreaming of being on it since she was 8. She had a very good voice that will win her high school’s talent show. As she was singing, I said, “Gosh she is nasal.” Then Jlo’s first comment was that she was nasally. Damn, I’m good! Steven yes, Randy no, Jennifer yes. Prediction: Not a contender.

Schyler Dixon, age 16 from TN (student and face painter) auditioned last year with her brother, Colton
age 19 (musician and face painter). WTF is up with the face painting in this family? Skyler was auditioning by herself this year, but the judges recognized her and requested that she bring her brother in too. Then they insisted that he audition this year because he was sooooo awesome, and almost made it last year and oh yeah sister, you were ok too. Schyler had a gorgeous voice, but she pronounced some words weird. Colton can hit some high notes, but I actually enjoyed hearing his sister more. But the judges gushed over Colton, and oh yeah sister you were ok too. But they both made it through. Prediction: They will put Colton through this year and leave Schyler out in the bitter, bitter cold. Much ado will be made about the brother vs. sister angle.

Lauren Mink, age 25 from KY is a director for an Adults with Diabilities Program. She had a great smile and a lovely country voice. Prediction: I think she will make it to the last round before the live show, and then get cut. I think the judges are burned out on country since the top 2 last year were both country.

There's one more day of auditions from beautiful Savannah, which will be covered in my next episode!

Bachelor Ben - Week 3 - Emily, Lindzi, and A Lot of Freaking Out

2012-01-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

Starting off with a little bit of news this week. I think it was a bit of an unofficial announcement, but apparently, Emily Maynard, the blonde bombshell "winner" from Brad's second season, will be the new Bachelorette. Holy cow! Talk about a ratings bonanza for ABC! More on this later as details emerge.

This week the ladies and Ben went to San Francisco. Ben met with his sister, Julia, before going on any dates, and she asked him about any standouts amongst the women. Here are the ones he mentioned: Lindzi, Kacie B., Courtney (who he described as “drama-free,” bahahaha! Whooo, that was a good one, Benny-Boy!), Emily, and Jennifer (who he dubbed as the best kisser). Julia seemed surprised that he had kissed some girls, making me wonder if she has actually ever seen this show before.

ONE-ON-ONE
The first one-on-one date card went to Emily, and read, “Love lifts us up.” She admitted that she’s afraid of heights, so of course you know the date is going to involve heights. Ben announces to her that they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. The rest is the same old story: She gets scared, the Bachelor kisses her and tells her that together they can do anything, then they succeed in climbing the rest of the way up and rejoice in how “strong” their relationship is now since they “conquered their fears.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

In the evening, they had dinner outside, and Ben was totally wearing lip gloss. He gave Emily the date rose, and then they kissed. And miracle of all miracles…fireworks went off right when they started kissing. What a coincidence, right?

[SIDE RANT: Every season they have someone who is afraid of something, and the Bachelor producers find this out and make sure that it’s worked into one of their dates. Several girls have been afraid of heights, and yet their dates seemed to have involved jumping or rappelling off a building or down the side of a mountain or a bridge or something. If the girl is afraid of flying, she is the one they stick in a helicopter, while the guy lets her know that “he‘s there for her.” Well, what the hell good is that going to do her as you are falling to your deaths?

And remember poor Emily, who had lost her race car boyfriend in a plane crash? They managed to make her ride in a plane AND drive a friggin’ race car! I think they should all tell the producers that they are afraid of chocolate, or maybe Doritos.

I’m just waiting for someone to have a pathological fear of monkeys, and the Bachelor will say, “Really? But I have this fabulous date planned to the Mon-Chi-Chi Monkey Sanctuary!” Then they will rattle off some platitudes about trust, and some “if we can accomplish this monkey business, there‘s nothing we can‘t do together” bullshit.

This is why I could never go on The Bachelor. Well, and also because I’m already married, but, whatever. You folks may or may not know that I have a totally irrational fear of snakes. If the Bachelor said he had a date planned for us at the reptile house, I would tell him to kiss my retreating white ass. If you want to establish a relationship with me, it’s gonna have to be in a snake-free zone, buster. And for the record, I'm not real crazy about spiders, either. Ok, rant complete!]

GROUP DATE

Ben and 11 of his hopefuls went skiing in downtown San Fran. A snow machine had been used to cover an entire street with snow!

Group date

All of the girls just happened to be wearing sundresses with bikinis on underneath. Because let’s face it. You never know when you’re going to find some spontaneous snow and decide to ski half-naked. Kinda like in the soap operas, where women often answer the door in a fully beaded evening gown at noon on a Tuesday. You know, just in case the President calls and invites them to a state dinner that night, they can say, “Well hell yes! I’m already dressed and everything. Just send Air Force One on over!”
　
Anyhoo, I have to give props to several of the women who looked fabulous in their swimsuits: Rachel and Samantha, I give you two boobs up! You have to be really fit to make those skiing moves with all that flesh exposed and not have anything jiggling or falling out. Kacie B. also looked great in her swimsuit, but her skiing skills? Not so much. However, she looked adorable sliding down the hill ass first and laughing about it. I still like her, even though she has absolutely no cellulite. Usually, I want to cut somebody over that shit, but she really is just too stinkin’ cute!

People this cute really should have cellulite or warts
or something, just to even things out.

That evening, they got all dressed up and went to Tonga for food and drinks. Ben and Rachel went for a walk. I can’t figure this gal out. I like her, but she seems like she’s a reporter there for the story. She says the right things, but something is off. Just a little. They did a bit of kissing, but only kind of close-mouthed smacks. She seemed to be trying to take it deeper, but Ben kept his lips together and refused to play tonsil hockey with Rachel.

Then he escaped with Kacie B. for a bit and did the same little closed-lipped kisses with her. He was kinda loud with his smacking, and it got to be rather annoying.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…Brittney received the next one-on-one date card earlier in the evening, but just didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it at all. Lindzi seemed pretty disappointed, because she didn’t get a date at all in Sonoma or in San Fran, not even a group date. After thinking it over and crying a lot, Brit decided that this whole process just isn’t working for her. I say “good for her!”

Now, back to Tonga: Ben is talking with Blakeley, and she is whining about how the other women hate her, and that they are very spiteful and jealous. Yeah, it’s because you’re such a bitch to them, sweet tits! Don’t rub it in everyone’s face when you get the rose and make everyone hate you, and then get your panties in a wad about how mean everyone is.

At this point, Brittney shows up to dump Ben. Did they really have to make her drag her suitcase inside the restaurant? Couldn’t she have left it in the car? A bit dramatic for me, but hell! I guess that’s why we tune in to this show. I don’t think Ben was all that upset. He was never gonna pick her anyway.

Ben went back to the ladies and gave the group date rose to Rachel.

The next day (or I guess it was the next day…who knows how they tell time in BachelorLand), Lindzi gets a one-on-one date card. I like this girl too, but I really wish she would wear some lipstick. Not like a Blow Job Red or anything, but maybe a nice coral would go well with her skin tone.

Now see? Isn't that better?

ONE-ON-ONE
For their date, Ben and Lindzi went on a trolley ride, ate ice cream, and visited China Town. Then they went to San Francisco City Hall, because nothing says “romance” like the offices of solid waste disposal, environmental regulations, and sewer permits.

They walked into a large room and a band started playing. Lindzi informed the camera that it was Matt Nathanson, and I’m glad because I didn’t know who the hell that was. They always seem to know who the bands are on this show without being told, but perhaps their knowledge of modern useless music trivia is far superior to mine. Now, if you put KISS or Ted Nugent or Prince up there, I would recognize them right off. But perhaps these musicians don’t represent the romance they are trying to convey on this show. Go figure…

So, Ben and Lindzi started dancing. The lady looked fabulous dancing in her short, flirty-skirted black cocktail dress. She was letting her hair fly around in quite the uninhibited manner, and it was fun and sexy. Ben, on the other hand, needs to eat some ribs or something, because dude has no soul. At all. His idea of dancing was to grab Lindzi’s hands and move his arms back and forth and bounce, kinda like you used to dance with your cousin when you were 4. [Note to producers: Don’t ever show this guy dancing again. Thank you.] There was some kissing, which I rated as fairly intimate, but not like full-face, I-want-to-suck-your-uvula-out kind of kissing.

Then they went to a speak-easy for dinner. It had hidden rooms behind bookcases, so it was really kind of cool. Lindzi discussed her former relationship, where she was dumped by text message. This showed her vulnerable side and earned points with The Ben, of course. So, he gave her the date rose. Then they went to a piano store. Ooooh, exciting stuff!

COCKTAIL PARTY

This is getting long, so I’ll give you the semi-quick and dirty version of the cocktail party. Courtney did weird shit with her mouth, Shawntel from Brad’s season showed up and said that Ben is going to fall in love with her, all the girls got pissed off, Nicki cried like her grandma died, everyone called Shawntel a bitch behind her back, Courtney did more weird stuff with her mouth and tried to get the other girls to fight with each other, and Ben retired to think, at which point the girls attacked Shawntel like hungry buzzards on a dead possum.

While Ben is deciding, I will give out my weekly Overall Awards:

Quote of the Week: Emily
"Courtney has some personality problems;
and she has, I think, a social disorder,
and I think she should get diagnosed."

Photo-Op of the Week: Kacie B.
This totally should have won her the date rose.

Bitch of the Week: Courtney
After coming in 1st runner-up last week, Courtney has earned the
title this week with her cocktail party shenanigans.

ROSE CEREMONY

If you thought there was drama during the cocktail party, well honey...hold on to your tater tots, because here comes the rose ceremony! Rachel, Emily, and Lindzi are already safe.

Ben started handing out roses, beginning with Courtney. As usual, he asked, "Courtney, will you accept this rose?" And the crazy ho hesitated! And, of course, did some MORE weird shit with her mouth. Then she said she would accept the rose (yeah biatch, like you were gonna turn down your 15 minutes of fame), but told Ben that tonight was very hard on her because he talked to "What's-Her-Butt," aka Shawntel. Very mature. Then she sniffed the rose. Why does she always do that? Does she think the aroma is going to be different from last week? It's a rose, for ball's sake!

Next, Ben handed out roses to Kacie B. (yay!), Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, and Samantha. At this point, there is one rose left, and 3 girls: Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel. Ooooh, what's gonna happen?

If you guessed, "more drama," then you are correct! Jaclyn starts mouthing off quite loudly to the other girls about Shawntel. Ericka says she feels nauseous, and then passes the frick out!

Horrors! This guy I've known for
3 weeks isn't choosing me!
Oh my, I think I've got the vapors...

Ben looks worried and says he thinks they need some water for Erika. By Gawd, are they sure he's not a doctor, because that was damn helpful! Anyway, they get her ass back up and make her continue with the rose ceremony.....standing. Perhaps a chair would have been nice?

Ben compliments Jaclyn, Erika, and Shawntel, and then announces that he's not giving out the final rose. So all three of them are going home! Jaclyn runs off sobbing to the bathroom and Erika collapses....AGAIN! Someone brings her another very helpful glass of water. Have these people ever heard of professional medical attention? Because if a bitch passes out twice in 5 minutes, I'm thinking I'm gonna call an ambulance. But maybe that's just me.

Shawntel at least acted a little bit classy, so Ben walked her out while everyone else was acting like a bunch of damn fruitcakes. This included Courtney yelling stuff at Shawntel as she was leaving. Nice.

So that's it until next week, when Ben and the remaining whack-a-doos will be in Park City, Utah. Been there. Loved it. Wanna go back.

Bachelor Ben - Week 2 - Kacie, Courtney, and Some Theater

2012-01-13T01:10:00.000-08:00

This week, the ladies were in Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives. This is the very first week of dates, so let's see what happened.

Kacie B.

ONE-ON-ONE

The first one-on-one date card was handed out by Ben himself to Kacie B. Being the first date of the season is a pretty big deal, but this date was a bit modest by The Bachelor's standards. There were no helicopters or bungee jumping or sharks or getting shot out of a cannon. The couple walked around Sonoma and shopped and ate dinner.

Then they went to an empty movie theater and watched video clips of themselves when they were little, including a clip of Ben crawling butt-ass naked on a picnic table. Yeah, that wasn't awkward AT ALL. There were lots of family shots, and since Ben lost his dad a few years back, this was quite emotional for him to watch; Kacie truly seemed moved, as well. But she handled it with a nice mixture of tears and comforting smiles. I still love this girl.

Why do I love her? You may remember that she's the former baton twirler. But do you remember from last week who else is a former baton twirler?

The Opto-Mom in all her sexified glory!

BAM! That's right, bitches! Try not to be jealous of the fake fur rug and my super awesome 80's hair. You can be jealous of the sequins, though. It's perfectly understandable to covet my sequins.

So back to the date. Even though there weren't a lot of bells and whistles on Kacie's date, it was very personal because of the hometown angle and the home movies and all the crying. She got a rose and some smooches. I'm usually pretty good at determining how things are going by the quality of the kissing. The kisses between Ben and Kacie were good quality and fairly intimate. Not like "hump-your-leg intimate," but rather "lovey-dovey intimate." Overall, a great date, though I could have done without the whole "let's make the bachelor show his vulnerable side and cry by bringing out videos of his dead father" thing on the very first date.

GROUP DATE

I don't even know why they do these group dates. Oh, wait...yes I do. For the DRAMA! And there was lots of drama this week, because Ben and the ladies (and I use that term loosely regarding some of these contestants) had to perform a play written by some local kids. The play was called "Prince Pino of Bachelorville." Those crazy, clever kiddos!

The ladies had to audition for the kids to get their roles, which was pretty fun to watch. Actually, when Blakeley auditioned, it was rather frightening. She was wearing a cleavage-baring striped romper and looked like a slutty train engineer. The kids had her running in place and jumping around like a monkey, which I'm surprised didn't give her a couple of black eyes with the way those boobs were flopping around. Here is the analysis of Blakeley's audition from the mouths of the babes:

Little girl: “That girl with the…uhhhh…the like…{motioning to chest area}…I wasn’t a fan of her.”

Little boy: “She did good.”

Ahhhh, men are so eloquent when faced with bouncing boobage. And they start early, don't they?

Here are the girls that went on the group date and the results of the audition:

The women were very good-natured and embraced their roles in the play, and actually seemed to have fun performing it for the community. After the play, Ben and the group date girls went swimming for the obligatory flesh show. And there was even...hold on to your britches here...a HOT TUB!

{Gasp!} I know. A hot tub on The Bachelor? Didn't see that coming at all. Ben and Jennifer got some time alone and did some kissing. It was the "you're a girl and only partially clothed, so I feel the need to press some lip" kind of kissing. Not overly intimate or hot.

Then Blakeley, who kept telling the other girls that she was getting the date rose, attacked Ben in the pool and basically climbed him like a cat up a tree. Of course, they made out, and this kissing was much hotter. I have to give Ben credit for restraining his hands and body while this chick was trying to hump him in the swimming pool.

However, he did reward Blakeley's boob show at the audition and the subsequent pool display by giving her the date rose. Blakeley then took gloating to a whole new level and pissed off every girl within a 10 mile radius.

ONE-ON-ONE
The next date was for Courtney. She attempted to insult Kacie B., but since Kacie had the first one-on-one date, Courtney's zinger fell kind of flat.

Anyway, on the date, Courtney and Ben walked through the woods, played with Ben's dog, and sat by a lake and drank wine. Courtney made sure to mention that no one ever asks her out and she never has dates just so Ben could show how surprised he was. Need affirmation much, honey?

She's pretty smart, though. "Tell me more about you." It's straight from the pages of Charm A Man 101. It worked pretty well, though, because he gave her the date rose. Then there was a some kissing, but they were kind of short, shallow kisses. Ben is totally wrapped around her little finger, though. This girl is definitely a player, so watch out for her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Kacie B., Courtney, and Blakeley all have roses, but the other women are still in jeopardy, so they need a little time with Ben to convince him how fabulous they are.

Jenna the nut tries to talk to Ben, but can't seem to complete a sentence. Here are some of her gems:

"I just feel like....you know.....................I feel like I'm a guy......in how I act." Big turn on there, girl. Courtney will be asking you for pointers pretty soon!

"And what people say..........." Mmmmm kay.

"And I don't want.....I don't want you to think I'm not.......because I might appear as if I am not....." WTF? Just spit it out already! Cheesus!!!

"It's....I mean....it's hard because it's only you, so it's like..." Run, Ben! Run for your life!

"I mean.....it's totally worth it, but I'm not like a girl." Annnnnd, we're back to that.

She kinda sounded like me when I go to the dentist and get the happy gas: "And then I need to get the third tooth.......and a Whataburger with bacon.......for the TV station......in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue....and I like camels." Maybe Jenna's been sniffing the nitrous. I know she hasn't been spending her spare time fixing that nappy hair. So, Jenna runs off crying.

Now, Blakeley (yes, the one who already has a rose) keeps busting in on everyone else's time. Remember that Blakeley's profession is listed as "VIP Cocktail Waitress," which means that she just goes topless instead of totally nude, so the guys respect her waaaaaay more. At this point, everyone wants to beat the dog shit out of her and she begins to notice that conversations stop when she enters the room. Yeah, they're talking about you, bi-a-tch! So she gets her wittle feelings hurt and runs off to cry, too.

Everybody's flipping out, Ben is being bombarded with tears and drama and all kinds of bitch hormones hovering in the air. He finds Blakeley crying on the floor in the corner of a luggage room. How convenient that he finds her there, right? Then he discovers Jenna in the fetal position under the covers of a bed. These women sure have a flair for the dramatic.

Ben's being polite, but you can tell he's thinking, "Somebody get me the fuck out of here!" He gets a little break while he retires to his deliberation chamber.

While he's deliberating, I will give you my overall awards of the week:

Fashionista of the week: Lindzi with her one-shoulder coral dress.

Bitch of the Week: Blakeley

The scores for Bitch of the Week were neck-and-neck between Blakeley and Courtney. Courtney was kind of reserved at the Rose Ceremony, so she lost a point and is therefore the 1st runner-up. If, for any reason, the Bitch of the Week cannot fulfill her duties, the 1st runner-up will step into the bitch shoes and continue on with the reign of terror.

So, who went home?

Shawn took her leave with a modicum of dignity, but Jenna...well, she was Jenna up until the very end.

She walked off with her hands under her armpits like Mary Katherine Gallagher. I kept expecting her to say, “When a guy rejects me, I put my hands under my arms, and then I smell ‘em like THIS.”

Thanks for coming by, and remember that I love your comments, but no spoilers, please!

Bachelor Ben - Meeting the Crazies

2012-01-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

Well, HOWDY! Welcome to my reality T.V. blog. Some of you may know me from my Opto-Mom blog. If not, click here to check it out now.

If you have not been living under a rock, then you have probably seen some form of reality show. I plan to discuss the ones I watch, including American Idol, most of the dancing shows, America's Got Talent, and any other ones that catch my eye. Also, I'm quite embarrassed to say that I watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I freakin' love this show, even though I think it's probably the least effective way I've ever heard of to find a spouse.

I will most certainly poke fun and be snarky, but I must say that these are some really gorgeous ladies this season. This first post will be kind of long because there are 25 ladies to introduce to you, so let's get on with it.

The show started like most of them do, introducing the Bachelor and trying to make him seem interesting. Which is a really hard job with Ben, as Mr. Monotone's best asset is that he's a winemaker. Raise your hands, ladies (or gents)....who would do him for a couple cases of wine?

BEN
Ladies, he wants to squeeze your grapes.

As the first limo pulls up, you hear the high-pitched screams and squeals of women who are apparently so excited at the sight of a real, live man that they forget they are supposed to be grown women. Seriously, I can't stand all that "he's sooooo cute" and "wooooooo-ing" the women do every season each time the Bachelor approaches them. I think that's why I prefer watching the Bachelorette, because most of the men act fairly masculine, and I luvs me some manly men!

I think I'm gonna start squealing "woooooooo" every time my husband walks in the room. Then I'm gonna need some of my readers to come visit me and bring me cookies once he puts me in the looney bin.

I thought I would go all pageant-like on you and rate the women numerically in four separate categories. I don't want to hear any feminist whining, please and thank you very much, because these women agreed to come and be judged during a human cattle call. Here is what our panel of judges (me) is looking for:

OVERALL BEAUTY - Nice face and figure. Took time to brush their damn hair.
FASHION - Wearing a dress or outfit that is flattering to her and looks like it's from this century. (Note that this score comes from what they were wearing on the show, and not in the accompanying pictures.)
PERSONALITY - Not fake, not bitchy. Confident, but not cocky.
TEETH - I think all of these chicks went to a cosmetic dentist before they came on the show. Since they went to all that trouble, I decided to reward them with a "teeth score."
So here we go:

Rachel (middle name Rose...awwww) - Age 27, Fashion sales rep., NY.

Overall beauty: 8

Dress: 10 (was a beautiful red dress, very flattering)

Personality: 9

Teeth: 8

Rachel is also our first celebrity look-alike of the evening:

Erika - Age 23, Law Student, Chicago, IL

Beauty: 9

Dress: 9 (black and super sparkly!)

Personality: 10 (cute with just enough cheese)

Teeth: 10

Amber “the Baconator” Bacon - Age 23, labor and delivery nurse, Port Coquitlam, Canada

Beauty: 7

Fashion: 8

Personality: 9 (maybe a little over-enthusiastic and fake)

Teeth: 9

Elyse - Age 24, Personal Trainer, Chicago, IL

Beauty: 10

Dress: 10

Personality: 9

Teeth: 10

Notes: Great mixture of girl-next-door sweetness in the face combined with a body of complete HOTNESS!

Jenna -Age 27, blogger, NY

Beauty: 7 (Don't they have hair salons in NY? Get your roots done, honey.)

Dress: 8

Personality: 7 (Lots of awkward pauses, and she kept staring at him with this weird, vacant smile.)

Teeth: 10

Notes: Ladies and gentlemen, meet the resident nut job. See that personality score up there? Yeah, it's gonna go down to about a 2.5 by the end of the evening.

Courtney R. - Age 28, Model, Santa Monica, CA

Beauty: 10

Dress: 9 (This would have been much lower if it were judged on the dress she was wearing for the photo shoot...see pic to the left. I guess nothing says, "I want to marry you," like a friggin' negligee.)

Personality: 7 (Out of the limo she just strutted up like, "I got this shit." It was fairly annoying.)

Teeth: 10

Notes: During her one-on-one time with Ben, she told him that she's a model. Like, you know, she travels every weekend, because she's a model. Back and forth from L.A. to New York because she's a model, ya know?

Emily - Age 27, PhD Student, Chapel Hill, NC

Beauty: 8

Dress: 10

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: Would have gotten a 9 for overall beauty if her hair hadn’t gone flat. Stick a little can of hairspray down between them boobies, and poof it, poof it, poof it before you get out of the limo, sistah!

Samantha - Age 26, Advertising account manager, Los Angeles, CA

Beauty: 9

Dress: 8

Personality: 9

Teeth: 9

Notes: She is Miss Pacific Palisades, and actually wore her mother-flippin' sash to meet Ben! Can girls be douchebags? If so, that was a totally douchey move, though she seemed pretty sweet overall.

Casey S. - Age 26, Trading Clerk, Leawood KS

Beauty: 10

Dress: 10

Personality: 9

Teeth: 10

Notes: Seemed a little shy, but very wholesomely beautiful!
Also, is she wearing lingerie in that pic to the left?

Amber T. - Age 29, Critical Care Nurse, Waverly, NE

Beauty: 9

Dress: 10 (Yellow dress that stood out to me against all the black ones.)

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: Can shoot a gun, and also eats cow balls. I say, "Winner, winner, cow ball dinner!"

Holly - Age 34, Pharmaceutical sales rep., Salyersville, KY

Beauty: 9 (looks great for one of the "older" women in this competition!)

Dress: 8 (Wore a big ass, flowerdy, Kentucky straw hat. I mean, really big. This hat needed its own limo.)

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: She said, “Kentucky is known for 2 things: beautiful women and fast horses.” If she would have added, "Now don't get that backwards, sugar pie," and sashayed off, I totally would have given her an 11 for personality.

Jamie - Age 25, Registered Nurse, Dryden, NY

Beauty: 10

Dress: 10

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: I love this girl! She raised her younger siblings because mom had “dependency issues,” i.e., was a drunk or crackhead.

Shira - No age given, she just "exists" or like, whatever, you know? Actress, Los Angeles, CA

Beauty: 8

Dress: 10

Personality: 9

Teeth: 9

Notes: Eat a damn sandwich, honey! I've farted bigger than you!

Blakeley -Age 34, VIP Cocktail Waitress, Charlotte, NC (10, 8, 9, 10)

Beauty: 10

Dress: 8

Personality: 9

Teeth: 10

Notes: Looks better than some of the girls a decade younger than her. Should have shopped somewhere other than the Sears catalog for her dress, though.

Grandma Sheryl -Age 72, Retired, Pueblo, CO - Came to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney, to Ben.

Ok, she's not officially a contestant, but I still give her all 10's! What a sweet and classy lady!

Brittney - Age 26, Medical Sales Rep., Denver, CO - Grandma Sheryl’s granddaughter

Beauty: 9

Dress: 8

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Mid-Post Rant

Several girls made ugly faces and/or comments about Grandma Sheryl when she was being very kind and sweet and grandmotherly. Courtney, Elyse, and Amber B., you ladies may now consider yourself on my Bitch List! Showing surprise when a 72 year old walks in is ok, but acting bitchy to Grandma Sheryl? Oh, HELLL NAW! I will NOT have it! Now, straighten your skinny asses up! Also, what is up with all the tank tops in the intro pictures? Annnnd....back to your regularly scheduled snarking.

Dianna - Age 30, Non-Profit Director, San Gabriel, CA

Beauty: 10

Dress: 8

Personality: 8

Teeth: 10

Notes: Sweet, but too giggly.

Dianna is our next celeb look-alike. She totally looks like Gabriella from High School Musical.

Jennifer - Age 28, Accountant, Oklahoma City, OK

Beauty: 8

Dress: 9

Personality: 10

Teeth: 9

Notes: Here's another one that would have gotten a higher beauty score if her hair hadn't gone flat. Spray that shit, girls!

Oooh, looky here! Another celebrity look-alike. Jennifer looks like the character Pamela Moran from "Army Wives."

Anna - Age 25, Student, Detroit, MI

Beauty: 10

Dress: 8

Personality: ?

Teeth: 10

Notes: Just walked right by Ben with an overly-demure smirk and entered the mansion without saying anything but a quiet, “hi.” The girl's got balls, I'll give her that!

Nicki S. - Age 26, Dental Hygienist, Hurst, TX

Beauty: 10

Dress: 9

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: Went to Texas A&M University, where I also went, so I may have to pull for this gal.

I noticed that my girl Nicki looked a lot like Sandra Bullock, moreso on TV than in this pic, but here's a comparison for you anyway.

Kacie B. - Age 24 Administrative Assistant, Clarksville, TN

Beauty: 10

Dress: 10

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: Loved this girl! She is just precious!

Perhaps I like Kacie because she was a baton twirler, just like your favorite blogger (that's me, right?). Here she is in her college twirling pic.

Lyndsie J. - Age 29, Internet entrepreneur, Scottsdale, AZ, but originally from England

Beauty: 7

Dress: 9 (I normally don't like the style of dress she was wearing, but it totally worked for her.)

Personality: 10

Teeth: 9

Notes: Her dad was a diplomat, so you would think she would be snooty, but NOPE. I adored this chica! She was fun, witty, smart, a self-proclaimed dork, and so flipping charming!

Then the plastic surgery limo pulled up.

Monica - Age 33, Dental Consultant, Salt Lake City, UT (9, 8, 9, 10)

Beauty: 8 (Ladies, please stop wearing a ponytail with a formal dress.)

Dress: 8

Personality: 9

Teeth: 10

Notes: She would be much prettier without the lip implants. When will women learn that not everybody has to look like Angelina Jolie?

Jaclyn - Age 27 Advertising Account Manager, Newton, MA (7, 8, 8, 9)

Beauty: 8

Dress: 8

Personality: 8

Teeth: 9

Notes: She should really sue her plastic surgeon for that nose.

Shawn - Age 28, Financial Advisor, Phoenix, AZ (10, 8, 10, 10)

Beauty: 10

Dress: 8

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: She seemed very natural, so I don't know how she got stuck in the Fakemobile. And thank Gawd she's not wearing a tank top in her profile picture!!!

Lindzi C. - Age 27, Business Development Manager, Seattle, WA

Beauty: 10

Dress: 10

Personality: 10

Teeth: 10

Notes: Lindzi is into horses, and even arrived at the mansion on a horse. Other contestants, please take note: Lindzi wore a riding hat, and when she removed it, her hair wasn’t near as drab and flat as some of you who didn’t even wear a hat! I predict that she will go far due to her ability to style her own hair properly.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY

I have more notes, but this is getting long due to the vast number of girls this week. So I will give a few overall awards, and tell you who went home.

Best Dress: Rachel

Drama Queen of the Week: Jenna

First Impression Rose

Leaving the show this week: Amber Bacon, Amber T., Holly, Shira, Dianna, Anna, and Lyndsie J.

Apparently, Ben doesn't like foreigners, since he booted Canadian (Amber) Bacon and Brit Lyndsie.

And here is the final result:

Feel free to comment, but I would like to ask that you please not post any spoilers in the comments.

See you after Monday's episode!