Monday, February 6, 2012

American Idol 2012 - Aspen Auditions

American Idol's next stop was bee-yoo-tee-full Aspen, Colorado.

Now THIS is an outfit that
screams, "I work with
small children."

First up was ultra-energetic Jenni Schick, age 24, from VA. She is an elementary school music teacher who was dressed in a tight miniskirt and thigh-high leather know, like all elementary teachers dress.  She sang “Heartbreaker,” and did a very good job, so she got through to the next round.

Prediction: I don’t think she will make it past the 2nd round in Hollywood.

Next was Curtis Gray, age 28 from FL. He was a very good singer and a nice looking fellow.  Prediction: Not a huge standout to me. Unless he blows my bra off in Hollywood, he won’t make it to the live show.

Richie Law, age 19 from CO was trying to be the next Scotty McCreery with his deep country vocal. He was slightly dorkier than Scotty, if that’s possible.  Prediction: Not a contender.

Devan Jones, age 26 from CO was the exact opposite. He had a very high-pitched voice, suited for singing R&B. It was lovely, but not the best I’ve ever heard.  Prediction: Maybe I was in a bad mood when I was watching this episode, but none of these folks are making me swoon. Again, not a contender.

Dorky girl Tealana Hedgespeth, age 19 of CO has a twin sister, and she kept talking about how talented her sis was. She told the judges that she was tired of living in her sister’s shadow, and she just wanted to shine. Ummmm, I’m not sure if “shine” is the word I would use to describe what she did.  She had no rhythm and certainly no talent; the Melissa Etheridge song she sang was virtually unrecognizable.

Prediction: She will murder her twin in a fit of jealous rage.

Log cabin dweller, Haley Smith, age 18 of UT was very awkward during her interview, but she sang very well. She is in dire need of a stylist with her frumpy hair and unfortunate blazer. Randy said that she “knows who she is,” which is generally what they say to unattractive people with bad hair.

Prediction: She was a pleasant surprise, but I think she’ll get swallowed up in Hollywood.

Next up was Alanna Snare, age 22 from CO. She is a bartender/waitress at a restaurant that is famous for Rocky Mountain Oyster, which are bull testicles. She attempted to sing “Jolene,” and I think I figured out how the bulls lost their balls. They fell off due to extreme distress from having to listen to Alanna sing.  Prediction:  She will advance her career by castrating elephants and rhinos with her voice.

Shelby Tweten, age 17 of MN is bipolar, and said that auditioning for American Idol is the only reason she takes her medication. She was a pretty girl with a decent voice. Prediction: I don’t think she will make it to the live show. Hopefully, she will find another reason to stay on her meds, because basing your mental health on such an unlikely dream is a horrible idea.

Angie Zeiderman, age 25 of FL wants to open for Lady Gaga and then be best friends with her. Yeah, that’s gonna happen, honey. She sang some kind of show tune and wallowed around on the floor a lot. Then she sang “Blue Bayou,” and it was much better and got her through to the next round.

Prediction: She won’t make it to the Top 12, but she will receive a massive head injury from a rogue platform shoe accident at a Lady Gaga concert.

An air guitarist who goes by the name of Magic Cyclops and speaks in a British accent (even though he is from Iowa) totally ruined the song “Margaritaville” for me. 

Prediction: Hopefully, he will now make a career out of air singing.

There were a total of 31 golden tickets given out in Aspen.

Bachelor Ben - Week 5 - Nicki, Elyse, and Baseball Bitchiness

This week, Ben and the Babes are in Puerto Rrrrico. I’m really good at rolling my r’s; can you tell? This week, everyone will get a date, so no one will be left out. One less thing for the girls to whine about, but I’m sure they’ll find SOMETHING.

Nicki got the first individual date, and she looked adorable in a bright one-shoulder print dress. They took a helicopter to Old San Juan, where they started walking around town. Until it started raining like crazy. They ran and laughed and kissed in the rain, and Ben was impressed that Nicki went with the flow and didn’t bitch about their date being spoiled by rain. So they went and picked out some new clothes for each other in an authentic Puerto Rican shop. Nicki looked cute in a loose red and floral dress, and Ben looked kind of like Panama Jack. But it was all in good fun, so I'll forgive him for dressing like a doofus this time.

That evening, they sipped wine and talked about Nicki’s divorce. She expressed that she just wanted a second chance at love, and Ben gave her the date rose. Then they did some kissy-poo stuff. It was kind of affectionate, but not passionate. Though Ben seemed to like hanging out with Nicki, he didn’t touch her face with his hands when they were kissing, and he didn’t really pull her close for that all-important body contact. Just kind of….meh.


The girls met Ben at a baseball stadium and go through some drills. Chris Harrison showed up and told the girls that they would be competing in a baseball game. The winning team would get a “romantic” beach party with Ben. The losers would go back to the hotel. Since there was an uneven number, Ben had to pick one girl to be on both teams, giving her the distinct advantage of going to the beach party, no matter which team won. Ben picked Lindzi for this most high honor. Chris picked Courtney and Blakeley to be the captains and they chose their teams.

There was a lot of trash talking before and during the game, which was to be 2 innings. Ben was the designated pitcher. The girls were much better hitters than fielders, with the exception of Blakeley, who was a kick-ass fielder! The teams kept tying, so they played a bunch of extra innings. Jennifer ended up striking out, so the Red Team won, and Jenn became the big fat loser of the day. You have never seen such a spectacle of crying and whining as the Blue Team put on. They were acting like they lost the World Series.

A helicopter picked the winners up and took them to the beach party. The losers rode home on a bus, where they cried and lamented their loss…awwww. At the beach party, complete with bonfire, Ben chatted with each of the ladies separately, and Kacie B. got the date rose.

Courtney was NOT happy about this, so she went to Plan B: act like a slut. They walked on the beach, where she told Ben that she wanted to “like, just, like, be alone with you, and, like, be, like, romantic, and go like, skinnydipping with you.”  Poor Ben just didn't seem to know what to think.

Elyse was the only one who hadn’t been on a date in Puerto Rrrrico, so she got the next one-on-one. She (like Nickie) wore a cute one-shoulder dress, but in a beautiful coral color. One-shoulder dresses must be the protocol for Puerto Rrrrican dates. Ben and Elyse went out on an awesome yacht (at least it wasn’t another fucking helicopter!) and talked…and drank wine, of course. Then they jumped off the boat and swam in the water together.

Elyse told the camera that she thought Ben was the man she was going to marry. Uhhhh, not so quick, honey! At dinner on the beach that evening (where they both magically appeared in formal clothes…I have really got to get a ticket to BachelorLand, because cool shit like that happen all the time there), Ben just didn’t seem to be bit by the Elyse bug, so he sent her packing.

Who dat?
When Ben comes home from his date with Elyse, Courtney is waiting near his door, dressed only in a robe.  He politely invites her in, and she offers to draw him a bath or give him a massage ("I've got some lotion in my pocket.").  Plan Slut is in full effect here, folks!  They sit and drink some wine - I swear these are the wine-drinkingest bastards I've ever seen in my life - and then Miss Frisky Britches suggested that they take the wine out on the beach and "do something else out there."  Is that what these crazy kids are calling it these days? 

So they went down to the beach and Courtney wanted to go skinny dipping.  She kept saying that you're only in Puerto Rico once.  Really?  Is that like a law or something?  So they strip down and go out into the water.  I'm not going to post the picture, because I'm sure you've seen it.
Is there anyone out there that honestly DOESN'T think they did the nasty out in the ocean?  Maybe she ended up with some funky plankton infestation in her vajayjay.  She finished the segment with an interview, again quoting that wisest of humans, Charlie Sheen:  I feel like I'm WINNING.  Because, apparently, that's what it's all about.  And here I though it was all about the hokey pokey.

Ben tells the camera that he feels kind of crappy about his and Courtney's "intimate moment" from the night before.  So he decided to get some time with the other women, even though his hairdo made him look like Alfalfa, but without the point at the top.

He kissed Jennifer, he kissed Blakeley, and he kissed Rachel.  He's a player, this Benny-boy!

Emily talks to Ben and apologizes for ratting out Courtney as this season's bitch last week.  Then she turns around and calls Courtney a weirdo and a deceiver, aaaaannnnd, she totally lost him.  He told her again to drop it and to be careful.  No kissy face for her.

And now for the overall awards for the week:
Fashionista of the week:  Elyse

Slut of the week:  Courtney

Nicki and Kacie B. were already safe.  Roses went to:  Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., and Blakeley.  There was only one rose left, and Jennifer and Emily were the last two ladies.  Will he finally kick out tattletale Emily?  Nope!  In a shocker, the redheaded doll, Jennifer was booted!