Friday, January 11, 2013

Bachelor Sean - 2013 - Week 1 - Meeting the Ladies

Well, howdy!  It’s Bachelor-Time again, and we’ve got a hot one this year.  If you watched Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, you probably remember Sean.  Of course, The Bachelor producers always have to pick a “sympathetic” contestant from the previous season of The Bachelorette and make them the next Bachelor, so they don’t have to worry with going out and finding a reasonable, good-looking man without STDs or mental problems.  

It’s part of their Hunk Recycling Program.  Al Gore says it’s good for the environment.  

So our recycled piece of man meat this year is Sean Lowe.

Ogle away, ladies.  That’s what he’s there for.
They predictably started out the season with the Bachelor saying that he got his heart broken by Emily, but now he’s miraculously okay and wants to find LUUURRRRVE!  At this time they started showing shirtless video of Sean working out, so the rest of his little speech sounded like this to me:  “something, something….blah, blah…I’m nervous….my pecs are awesome…blah-dee, blah-dee blah…amazing journey…something, something….true love.”

Because honestly?  After the eye candy workout video, I was kind of like:

And just a little like this:

[Side note: Just for giggles, let‘s keep track of how many times someone on this show uses the word “journey” (no, not the band, but that would be pretty awesome!) and the phrase “putting myself/yourself out there.”]

Now, let’s meet the ladies and see if we can pick out the cuckoos and the harlots of the bunch, shall we?

Sorry about that “harlot” crack.  I’ve been reading The Scarlet Letter.

Several girls were featured in the pre-taped interviews, so let’s check them out first.

Desiree's a bridal stylist, which will come in handy if she's "the one" for Sean.  Seemed sweet in her intro package.

Tierra is very pretty, and says she’s family-oriented.  She squealed like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning when she learned that Sean is the Bachelor.  Then she told her little doggy all about Sean and announced, with a girlish giggle that Sean is her “future hubby.”  Yay!  We may have found our Miss Stalky Britches.

Robyn has a great figure and a cute face.  She did some gymnastics, and was very flexible.  Honey, show that flexibility off to Sean, and I’m betting you will last for a little while. 

Diana has 2 daughters.  She made one of them wear a helmet while sliding.  Seriously?  Sliding?  She probably makes her wear a hazmat suit while eating her cereal.

Sarah was born with only 1 arm.  She seems very sweet and well-grounded.

The first thing you notice about Ashley is that she has breast implants, but somehow the doctor screwed up and put the implants in her lips instead of in her chest.  Helpful hint to the contestants: if you’re a hair stylist, get your roots done before you come on national TV.  Ashley is obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey, and wants Sean to be her Christian Grey.  She actually said that she hopes Sean rips her clothes off and spanks her.  Yeah, probably not going to happen, tit lips.

Lesley is a HUGE advocate for the environment, which is probably why she wanted to be on The Bachelor.  You know, the whole Hunk Recycling Program we talked about earlier.  She’s originally from Arkansas, and deems herself the “Modern Southern Belle.”

Kristy informed the viewing audience that she’s not just a model, she’s a FORD model.  Hopefully, she’s not another narcissistic model like that wacko, Courtney, from Ben’s season.  She’s already said that the other girls will be jealous of her, and she makes cheesy smiley faces when she’s working out.  Hey, Boney Maroney!  No smiling when you’re working out!  Look miserable like the rest of us!

AshLee is obsessed with organizing things.  All I can say is, don’t let this gal show up at my house!  Lord have mercy…her head might explode!

Now it’s time for Sean to stand awkwardly in front of a mansion and meet the gals.  Chris Harrison told him it’s time to start his “journey.”  That’s 2 journey mentions, by my count!

As the first limo pulls up, you hear tons of squealing and OMGs and awwwwws, and I already want to smack somebody.  Grow the hell up, ladies!  Anyone over the age of 12 should not squeal.

First out of the limo, was the personal organizer, AshLee in a beautiful red dress.  She was charming and didn’t try to give him a pocket protector or anything, so I think it went well.

Jackie told Sean she was going to “mark” him, so she put on red lipstick and kissed his cheek.  She did it in a sweet and non-annoying way, so I thought it was a cute little ice breaker.

Selma wore a very chic, long black dress and looked totally hot.  Hell, I would marry her!

Leslie had a cute hairdo and gorgeous smile, but I didn’t really like her dress.  It made her boobs look saggy.

Daniella had some creepy Courtney Love hair, especially from the back.

Kelly is tan and blond and cute as a button in all her Southern Miss America-ness.  Then she sang him a little country ditty that she wrote, and it was annoyingly adorable.  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I just know that I wanted to slap her and hug her at the same time.

Katie had beautiful hair, and a gorgeous smile and face.  She was wearing a flattering hot pink dress, but I think she was shoeless.  Ummmmm, okay?  Whatever floats your little yoga boat, doll face!

Next out of the limo was Ashley P., who we previously met with her dark roots and bubble lips.  Not to mention the spanking fetish.  Will she bring Fifty Shades up on the first meeting?  Will she?  Will she?  Oh, hell.  Of course she does.  She pulls a tie out of her boobage (the ones on her chest, not the ones on her lips), and wants Sean to teach her what to do with it.  Poor guy looked totally confused.  Smile, smile. How fast can I get rid of this trash?  Awkward!

Taryn seemed very nervous, but super nice.  
Oh, now Catherine is fabulous!  One of the prettiest faces of the night, and she was sweet and flirty.

Then we meet Robyn again.  She was the Oilfield Account Manager from Houston, who also does gymnastics.  She gets out of the limo, smiles, and turns her back on Sean.  Hmmmm, what COULD she be doing?  If you guessed back walkovers in a full-length gold sparkly dress, you would be correct!  The first one was beautiful, but she fell on the second one.  Zoinks!  Will she run away crying?  Hell no!  She’s from Texas, so she just bounces up laughs at herself.  I thought she handled it with a fair amount of grace.  Sean comforted her and told her that he was impressed.  Hmmmmm.  Candidate for the first impression rose?  Perhaps…

Lacey had a really pretty face and a great body, but her hair was a little brassy.  She said a lot of people call her “Lace,” so she brought a heart cut out of lace for Sean to remember her.  Awwwww, ain’t that real nice?!?

Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3, that little show that ABC does in between seasons, so that we can keep our lives filled with the cray cray at all times.  They let a select number of fans on that show this past year, so I’m guessing she was one of the fans that got booted pretty quickly, because all of those past contestants are a bit snooty, and don’t want some mere human on “their” show.

Ooooh, next out of the limo was Tierra, our potential stalker.  Little Miss Enthusiasm showed Sean that she has an open heart tattooed on her finger, and she hopes he will be the one to complete it.  Did I mention that the tattoo was on her left ring finger?  I think that is a big ole hint that she wants Sean to be the daddy to her  little dog, who probably is named “Precious.”  Sean tells her to wait for a minute, and then just leaves her standing outside while he goes into the house.  WTF?  He goes inside and tells host, Chris Harrison that he wants to bend the rules a little bit (breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law!), and give Tierra a rose right then because she gives off positive vibes and energy and what-the-hell-ever.  He gave her the rose, and her face just glowed with delight, and I think I might be tearing up a little….okay, it’s over.  Back to your regularly scheduled snarkiness.

Amanda is very pretty, and has a beautiful smile.  I loved her black and white dress.

Keriann told Sean that she drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him.  Way to guilt trip him into giving you a rose!  By the way, she’s another one that forgot to brush the back of her hair.  What’s with these girls tonight?  Do they not have mirrors, or did they just let the other contestants fix their hair?
"Nooo,girl... your hair looks fine!"
Desiree, the bridal stylist that we met in the interviews, brought some pennies, so that she and Sean could make a wish in the fountain.  Since this is a mansion, I think it’s more appopriate to throw $100s in the fountain., but whatever.  I think it made her memorable.

Next was Sarah, the lady with 1 arm.  Her white dress was stunning on her, and she joked around a little with him, so good job!

Brooke has a very pretty face, so I don’t know why she wants that red burgundy pile of shit on top of her head.  But she’s a community organizer, which we all know qualifies you to be President.  I wonder if Sean wants to be First Hunk one day?  (She said “journey.”  We’re up to 3 now!)  This may be totally random, but this chick has a beautiful back.  I just noticed that when she was walking away from Sean in her backless dress.

Now we see Diana, who made her kid wear a helmet while sliding.  I don’t really care what she said, because she’s one of those Douche-Moms.  So, that’s all I’ve got for you on her.

Political consultant, Lesley M. was next to meet Sean.  She was stunning in a blue dress, AND she brought a football!  She said she wanted to run a play with Sean, where she would be the QB, and he could snap the ball to her.  Smart girl!  She got to stand behind him while he was bent over.  She admitted that she didn’t really want to run a play; she was just enjoying the view!  Ok, I totally love her!

Oh, mercy!  Here comes the SupahModel, Kristy.  She steps out of the limo and says, “Sean, did you invite these girls (pointing into the car), because I sure didn’t.”  Annnnnd I think we’ve found our Queen Bitch for the season.

Oh, goody!  Another model!  (That was written in a sarcasm font, in case you didn’t notice.)  But Ashley H. was actually much more likable than SupahModel Kristy.  She looked great in her ice blue dress, and when Sean complimented it, she told him her dress matched his eyes.  Awwwww!
What?  They have people in Rhode Island?  Hee hee…I kid the Rhode Islanders.  I don’t want them coming after me, because I might not be able to escape all 3 of them.  Anyway, back to Lauren, who comes from an Italian family.  They own an Italian restaurant, and that seemed to make Sean happy.  I know it would thrill me, because I could really go for some chicken parm right about now.  Then she told Sean that her dad said that if Sean breaks his daughter’s heart, he will break Sean’s legs.  Ummmm, quick Sean!  Send her home NOW before she develops feelings for you!  Ya should have stopped at the restaurant thing, Miss Soprano.

Oh, no she didunt!!!  Yes.  Yes, she did get out of the limo in a big ole poofy wedding dress, complete with veil.  Lindsay said, “You may now kiss the bride,” and tried to really lay one on Sean, but he pulled back and seemed uncomfortable.  I don’t think he liked this whole molesting-the-Bachelor schtick very much.  Perhaps she should have told him her name before trying to stick her tongue down his throat.   Shame…she’s a really cute girl!

Ok, so that's 25 lovely ladies, so we've met all of them, right?  Au contraire!  Chris told Sean that one person specifically asked to meet Sean.  So cruising up in her very own limo was {drum roll please}…………
The gorgeous Kacie B. from Ben’s season!   YAY!  I adored her, and thought Ben was stupid to send her home.  Anyway, she said she wanted a second chance like Sean, and he seemed pleased!  And let me tell you, Kacie looked beyond fabulous!  She still has that beautiful smile, and holy hell….her legs go all the way up to her ears!
She's got legssss!
Ok, since this post is getting super long, I'm going to end it here, and then do a second post detailing what happened when they got all of these ladies in the same room, and telling who Sean kept.  Stay don't wanna miss this!

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