Bachelor Sean - 2013 - Week 1 - Meeting the Ladies

Well, howdy!  It’s Bachelor-Time again, and we’ve got a hot one this year.  If you watched Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, you probably remember Sean.  Of course, The Bachelor producers always have to pick a “sympathetic” contestant from the previous season of The Bachelorette and make them the next Bachelor, so they don’t have to worry with going out and finding a reasonable, good-looking man without STDs or mental problems.  

It’s part of their Hunk Recycling Program.  Al Gore says it’s good for the environment.  

So our recycled piece of man meat this year is Sean Lowe.

Ogle away, ladies.  That’s what he’s there for.

They predictably started out the season with the Bachelor saying that he got his heart broken by Emily, but now he’s miraculously okay and wants to find LUUURRRRVE!  At this time they started showing shirtless video of Sean working out, so the rest of his little speech sounded like this to me:  “something, something….blah, blah…I’m nervous….my pecs are awesome…blah-dee, blah-dee blah…amazing journey…something, something….true love.”

Because honestly?  After the eye candy workout video, I was kind of like:

And just a little like this:

[Side note: Just for giggles, let‘s keep track of how many times someone on this show uses the word “journey” (no, not the band, but that would be pretty awesome!) and the phrase “putting myself/yourself out there.”]

Now, let’s meet the ladies and see if we can pick out the cuckoos and the harlots of the bunch, shall we?

Sorry about that “harlot” crack.  I’ve been reading The Scarlet Letter.

Several girls were featured in the pre-taped interviews, so let’s check them out first.

Desiree's a bridal stylist, which will come in handy if she's "the one" for Sean.  Seemed sweet in her intro package.

Tierra is very pretty, and says she’s family-oriented.  She squealed like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning when she learned that Sean is the Bachelor.  Then she told her little doggy all about Sean and announced, with a girlish giggle that Sean is her “future hubby.”  Yay!  We may have found our Miss Stalky Britches.

Robyn has a great figure and a cute face.  She did some gymnastics, and was very flexible.  Honey, show that flexibility off to Sean, and I’m betting you will last for a little while. 

Diana has 2 daughters.  She made one of them wear a helmet while sliding.  Seriously?  Sliding?  She probably makes her wear a hazmat suit while eating her cereal.

Sarah was born with only 1 arm.  She seems very sweet and well-grounded.

The first thing you notice about Ashley is that she has breast implants, but somehow the doctor screwed up and put the implants in her lips instead of in her chest.  Helpful hint to the contestants: if you’re a hair stylist, get your roots done before you come on national TV.  Ashley is obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey, and wants Sean to be her Christian Grey.  She actually said that she hopes Sean rips her clothes off and spanks her.  Yeah, probably not going to happen, tit lips.

Lesley is a HUGE advocate for the environment, which is probably why she wanted to be on The Bachelor.  You know, the whole Hunk Recycling Program we talked about earlier.  She’s originally from Arkansas, and deems herself the “Modern Southern Belle.”

Kristy informed the viewing audience that she’s not just a model, she’s a FORD model.  Hopefully, she’s not another narcissistic model like that wacko, Courtney, from Ben’s season.  She’s already said that the other girls will be jealous of her, and she makes cheesy smiley faces when she’s working out.  Hey, Boney Maroney!  No smiling when you’re working out!  Look miserable like the rest of us!

AshLee is obsessed with organizing things.  All I can say is, don’t let this gal show up at my house!  Lord have mercy…her head might explode!

Now it’s time for Sean to stand awkwardly in front of a mansion and meet the gals.  Chris Harrison told him it’s time to start his “journey.”  That’s 2 journey mentions, by my count!

As the first limo pulls up, you hear tons of squealing and OMGs and awwwwws, and I already want to smack somebody.  Grow the hell up, ladies!  Anyone over the age of 12 should not squeal.

First out of the limo, was the personal organizer, AshLee in a beautiful red dress.  She was charming and didn’t try to give him a pocket protector or anything, so I think it went well.

Jackie told Sean she was going to “mark” him, so she put on red lipstick and kissed his cheek.  She did it in a sweet and non-annoying way, so I thought it was a cute little ice breaker.

Selma wore a very chic, long black dress and looked totally hot.  Hell, I would marry her!

Leslie had a cute hairdo and gorgeous smile, but I didn’t really like her dress.  It made her boobs look saggy.

Daniella had some creepy Courtney Love hair, especially from the back.

Kelly is tan and blond and cute as a button in all her Southern Miss America-ness.  Then she sang him a little country ditty that she wrote, and it was annoyingly adorable.  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I just know that I wanted to slap her and hug her at the same time.

Katie had beautiful hair, and a gorgeous smile and face.  She was wearing a flattering hot pink dress, but I think she was shoeless.  Ummmmm, okay?  Whatever floats your little yoga boat, doll face!

Next out of the limo was Ashley P., who we previously met with her dark roots and bubble lips.  Not to mention the spanking fetish.  Will she bring Fifty Shades up on the first meeting?  Will she?  Will she?  Oh, hell.  Of course she does.  She pulls a tie out of her boobage (the ones on her chest, not the ones on her lips), and wants Sean to teach her what to do with it.  Poor guy looked totally confused.  Smile, smile. How fast can I get rid of this trash?  Awkward!

Taryn seemed very nervous, but super nice.  

Oh, now Catherine is fabulous!  One of the prettiest faces of the night, and she was sweet and flirty.

Then we meet Robyn again.  She was the Oilfield Account Manager from Houston, who also does gymnastics.  She gets out of the limo, smiles, and turns her back on Sean.  Hmmmm, what COULD she be doing?  If you guessed back walkovers in a full-length gold sparkly dress, you would be correct!  The first one was beautiful, but she fell on the second one.  Zoinks!  Will she run away crying?  Hell no!  She’s from Texas, so she just bounces up laughs at herself.  I thought she handled it with a fair amount of grace.  Sean comforted her and told her that he was impressed.  Hmmmmm.  Candidate for the first impression rose?  Perhaps…

Lacey had a really pretty face and a great body, but her hair was a little brassy.  She said a lot of people call her “Lace,” so she brought a heart cut out of lace for Sean to remember her.  Awwwww, ain’t that real nice?!?

Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3, that little show that ABC does in between seasons, so that we can keep our lives filled with the cray cray at all times.  They let a select number of fans on that show this past year, so I’m guessing she was one of the fans that got booted pretty quickly, because all of those past contestants are a bit snooty, and don’t want some mere human on “their” show.

Ooooh, next out of the limo was Tierra, our potential stalker.  Little Miss Enthusiasm showed Sean that she has an open heart tattooed on her finger, and she hopes he will be the one to complete it.  Did I mention that the tattoo was on her left ring finger?  I think that is a big ole hint that she wants Sean to be the daddy to her  little dog, who probably is named “Precious.”  Sean tells her to wait for a minute, and then just leaves her standing outside while he goes into the house.  WTF?  He goes inside and tells host, Chris Harrison that he wants to bend the rules a little bit (breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law!), and give Tierra a rose right then because she gives off positive vibes and energy and what-the-hell-ever.  He gave her the rose, and her face just glowed with delight, and I think I might be tearing up a little….okay, it’s over.  Back to your regularly scheduled snarkiness.

Amanda is very pretty, and has a beautiful smile.  I loved her black and white dress.

Keriann told Sean that she drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him.  Way to guilt trip him into giving you a rose!  By the way, she’s another one that forgot to brush the back of her hair.  What’s with these girls tonight?  Do they not have mirrors, or did they just let the other contestants fix their hair?

"Nooo,girl... your hair looks fine!"

Desiree, the bridal stylist that we met in the interviews, brought some pennies, so that she and Sean could make a wish in the fountain.  Since this is a mansion, I think it’s more appopriate to throw $100s in the fountain., but whatever.  I think it made her memorable.

Next was Sarah, the lady with 1 arm.  Her white dress was stunning on her, and she joked around a little with him, so good job!

Brooke has a very pretty face, so I don’t know why she wants that red burgundy pile of shit on top of her head.  But she’s a community organizer, which we all know qualifies you to be President.  I wonder if Sean wants to be First Hunk one day?  (She said “journey.”  We’re up to 3 now!)  This may be totally random, but this chick has a beautiful back.  I just noticed that when she was walking away from Sean in her backless dress.

Now we see Diana, who made her kid wear a helmet while sliding.  I don’t really care what she said, because she’s one of those Douche-Moms.  So, that’s all I’ve got for you on her.

Political consultant, Lesley M. was next to meet Sean.  She was stunning in a blue dress, AND she brought a football!  She said she wanted to run a play with Sean, where she would be the QB, and he could snap the ball to her.  Smart girl!  She got to stand behind him while he was bent over.  She admitted that she didn’t really want to run a play; she was just enjoying the view!  Ok, I totally love her!

Oh, mercy!  Here comes the SupahModel, Kristy.  She steps out of the limo and says, “Sean, did you invite these girls (pointing into the car), because I sure didn’t.”  Annnnnd I think we’ve found our Queen Bitch for the season.

Oh, goody!  Another model!  (That was written in a sarcasm font, in case you didn’t notice.)  But Ashley H. was actually much more likable than SupahModel Kristy.  She looked great in her ice blue dress, and when Sean complimented it, she told him her dress matched his eyes.  Awwwww!

What?  They have people in Rhode Island?  Hee hee…I kid the Rhode Islanders.  I don’t want them coming after me, because I might not be able to escape all 3 of them.  Anyway, back to Lauren, who comes from an Italian family.  They own an Italian restaurant, and that seemed to make Sean happy.  I know it would thrill me, because I could really go for some chicken parm right about now.  Then she told Sean that her dad said that if Sean breaks his daughter’s heart, he will break Sean’s legs.  Ummmm, quick Sean!  Send her home NOW before she develops feelings for you!  Ya should have stopped at the restaurant thing, Miss Soprano.

Oh, no she didunt!!!  Yes.  Yes, she did get out of the limo in a big ole poofy wedding dress, complete with veil.  Lindsay said, “You may now kiss the bride,” and tried to really lay one on Sean, but he pulled back and seemed uncomfortable.  I don’t think he liked this whole molesting-the-Bachelor schtick very much.  Perhaps she should have told him her name before trying to stick her tongue down his throat.   Shame…she’s a really cute girl!

Ok, so that's 25 lovely ladies, so we've met all of them, right?  Au contraire!  Chris told Sean that one person specifically asked to meet Sean.  So cruising up in her very own limo was {drum roll please}…………

The gorgeous Kacie B. from Ben’s season!   YAY!  I adored her, and thought Ben was stupid to send her home.  Anyway, she said she wanted a second chance like Sean, and he seemed pleased!  And let me tell you, Kacie looked beyond fabulous!  She still has that beautiful smile, and holy hell….her legs go all the way up to her ears!

She's got legssss!

Ok, since this post is getting super long, I'm going to end it here, and then do a second post detailing what happened when they got all of these ladies in the same room, and telling who Sean kept.  Stay tuned...you don't wanna miss this!

Bachelor Ben - Week 3 - Emily, Lindzi, and A Lot of Freaking Out

Starting off with a little bit of news this week.  I think it was a bit of an unofficial announcement, but apparently, Emily Maynard, the blonde bombshell "winner" from Brad's second season, will be the new Bachelorette.  Holy cow!  Talk about a ratings bonanza for ABC!  More on this later as details emerge.









This week the ladies and Ben went to San Francisco. Ben met with his sister, Julia, before going on any dates, and she asked him about any standouts amongst the women. Here are the ones he mentioned: Lindzi, Kacie B., Courtney (who he described as “drama-free,” bahahaha!  Whooo, that was a good one, Benny-Boy!), Emily, and Jennifer (who he dubbed as the best kisser). Julia seemed surprised that he had kissed some girls, making me wonder if she has actually ever seen this show before.

                                 ONE-ON-ONE 
The first one-on-one date card went to Emily, and read, “Love lifts us up.” She admitted that she’s afraid of heights, so of course you know the date is going to involve heights. Ben announces to her that they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. The rest is the same old story: She gets scared, the Bachelor kisses her and tells her that together they can do anything, then they succeed in climbing the rest of the way up and rejoice in how “strong” their relationship is now since they “conquered their fears.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

In the evening, they had dinner outside, and Ben was totally wearing lip gloss. He gave Emily the date rose, and then they kissed. And miracle of all miracles…fireworks went off right when they started kissing. What a coincidence, right?






[SIDE RANT: Every season they have someone who is afraid of something, and the Bachelor producers find this out and make sure that it’s worked into one of their dates. Several girls have been afraid of heights, and yet their dates seemed to have involved jumping or rappelling off a building or down the side of a mountain or a bridge or something. If the girl is afraid of flying, she is the one they stick in a helicopter, while the guy lets her know that “he‘s there for her.” Well, what the hell good is that going to do her as you are falling to your deaths?

And remember poor Emily, who had lost her race car boyfriend in a plane crash? They managed to make her ride in a plane AND drive a friggin’ race car!  I think they should all tell the producers that they are afraid of chocolate, or maybe Doritos.

I’m just waiting for someone to have a pathological fear of monkeys, and the Bachelor will say, “Really? But I have this fabulous date planned to the Mon-Chi-Chi Monkey Sanctuary!” Then they will rattle off some platitudes about trust, and some “if we can accomplish this monkey business, there‘s nothing we can‘t do together” bullshit.

This is why I could never go on The Bachelor. Well, and also because I’m already married, but, whatever. You folks may or may not know that I have a totally irrational fear of snakes.  If the Bachelor said he had a date planned for us at the reptile house, I would tell him to kiss my retreating white ass. If you want to establish a relationship with me, it’s gonna have to be in a snake-free zone, buster. And for the record, I'm not real crazy about spiders, either.  Ok, rant complete!]

GROUP DATE

Ben and 11 of his hopefuls went skiing in downtown San Fran. A snow machine had been used to cover an entire street with snow!

Group date

All of the girls just happened to be wearing sundresses with bikinis on underneath. Because let’s face it. You never know when you’re going to find some spontaneous snow and decide to ski half-naked. Kinda like in the soap operas, where women often answer the door in a fully beaded evening gown at noon on a Tuesday. You know, just in case the President calls and invites them to a state dinner that night, they can say, “Well hell yes! I’m already dressed and everything. Just send Air Force One on over!”
　
Anyhoo, I have to give props to several of the women who looked fabulous in their swimsuits: Rachel and Samantha, I give you two boobs up! You have to be really fit to make those skiing moves with all that flesh exposed and not have anything jiggling or falling out. Kacie B. also looked great in her swimsuit, but her skiing skills? Not so much. However, she looked adorable sliding down the hill ass first and laughing about it. I still like her, even though she has absolutely no cellulite. Usually, I want to cut somebody over that shit, but she really is just too stinkin’ cute!

People this cute really should have cellulite or warts
or something, just to even things out.

That evening, they got all dressed up and went to Tonga for food and drinks. Ben and Rachel went for a walk. I can’t figure this gal out. I like her, but she seems like she’s a reporter there for the story. She says the right things, but something is off. Just a little. They did a bit of kissing, but only kind of close-mouthed smacks. She seemed to be trying to take it deeper, but Ben kept his lips together and refused to play tonsil hockey with Rachel.

Then he escaped with Kacie B. for a bit and did the same little closed-lipped kisses with her. He was kinda loud with his smacking, and it got to be rather annoying.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…Brittney received the next one-on-one date card earlier in the evening, but just didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it at all. Lindzi seemed pretty disappointed, because she didn’t get a date at all in Sonoma or in San Fran, not even a group date. After thinking it over and crying a lot, Brit decided that this whole process just isn’t working for her. I say “good for her!”

Now, back to Tonga: Ben is talking with Blakeley, and she is whining about how the other women hate her, and that they are very spiteful and jealous. Yeah, it’s because you’re such a bitch to them, sweet tits! Don’t rub it in everyone’s face when you get the rose and make everyone hate you, and then get your panties in a wad about how mean everyone is.

At this point, Brittney shows up to dump Ben. Did they really have to make her drag her suitcase inside the restaurant? Couldn’t she have left it in the car? A bit dramatic for me, but hell! I guess that’s why we tune in to this show. I don’t think Ben was all that upset. He was never gonna pick her anyway.

Ben went back to the ladies and gave the group date rose to Rachel.

The next day (or I guess it was the next day…who knows how they tell time in BachelorLand), Lindzi gets a one-on-one date card. I like this girl too, but I really wish she would wear some lipstick. Not like a Blow Job Red or anything, but maybe a nice coral would go well with her skin tone.

Now see?  Isn't that better?

 

                                    ONE-ON-ONE
For their date, Ben and Lindzi went on a trolley ride, ate ice cream, and visited China Town. Then they went to San Francisco City Hall, because nothing says “romance” like the offices of solid waste disposal, environmental regulations, and sewer permits.

They walked into a large room and a band started playing. Lindzi informed the camera that it was Matt Nathanson, and I’m glad because I didn’t know who the hell that was. They always seem to know who the bands are on this show without being told, but perhaps their knowledge of modern useless music trivia is far superior to mine. Now, if you put KISS or Ted Nugent or Prince up there, I would recognize them right off. But perhaps these musicians don’t represent the romance they are trying to convey on this show. Go figure…

So, Ben and Lindzi started dancing. The lady looked fabulous dancing in her short, flirty-skirted black cocktail dress. She was letting her hair fly around in quite the uninhibited manner, and it was fun and sexy. Ben, on the other hand, needs to eat some ribs or something, because dude has no soul. At all. His idea of dancing was to grab Lindzi’s hands and move his arms back and forth and bounce, kinda like you used to dance with your cousin when you were 4. [Note to producers: Don’t ever show this guy dancing again. Thank you.] There was some kissing, which I rated as fairly intimate, but not like full-face, I-want-to-suck-your-uvula-out kind of kissing.

Then they went to a speak-easy for dinner. It had hidden rooms behind bookcases, so it was really kind of cool. Lindzi discussed her former relationship, where she was dumped by text message. This showed her vulnerable side and earned points with The Ben, of course. So, he gave her the date rose. Then they went to a piano store. Ooooh, exciting stuff!

COCKTAIL PARTY

This is getting long, so I’ll give you the semi-quick and dirty version of the cocktail party. Courtney did weird shit with her mouth, Shawntel from Brad’s season showed up and said that Ben is going to fall in love with her, all the girls got pissed off, Nicki cried like her grandma died, everyone called Shawntel a bitch behind her back, Courtney did more weird stuff with her mouth and tried to get the other girls to fight with each other, and Ben retired to think, at which point the girls attacked Shawntel like hungry buzzards on a dead possum.

While Ben is deciding, I will give out my weekly Overall Awards:

Quote of the Week:  Emily
"Courtney has some personality problems;
and she has, I think, a social disorder,
and I think she should get diagnosed."

 

Photo-Op of the Week:  Kacie B.
This totally should have won her the date rose.



Bitch of the Week:  Courtney
After coming in 1st runner-up last week, Courtney has earned the
title this week with her cocktail party shenanigans.



ROSE CEREMONY

If you thought there was drama during the cocktail party, well honey...hold on to your tater tots, because here comes the rose ceremony!   Rachel, Emily, and Lindzi are already safe.

Ben started handing out roses, beginning with Courtney.  As usual, he asked, "Courtney, will you accept this rose?"  And the crazy ho hesitated!  And, of course, did some MORE weird shit with her mouth. Then she said she would accept the rose (yeah biatch, like you were gonna turn down your 15 minutes of fame), but told Ben that tonight was very hard on her because he talked to "What's-Her-Butt," aka Shawntel.  Very mature.  Then she sniffed the rose.  Why does she always do that?  Does she think the aroma is going to be different from last week?  It's a rose, for ball's sake!

Next, Ben handed out roses to Kacie B. (yay!), Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, and Samantha.  At this point, there is one rose left, and 3 girls:  Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel.  Ooooh, what's gonna happen?

If you guessed, "more drama," then you are correct!  Jaclyn starts mouthing off quite loudly to the other girls about Shawntel.  Ericka says she feels nauseous, and then passes the frick out!



Horrors!  This guy I've known for
3 weeks isn't choosing me!
Oh my, I think I've got the vapors...



Ben looks worried and says he thinks they need some water for Erika.  By Gawd, are they sure he's not a doctor, because that was damn helpful!  Anyway, they get her ass back up and make her continue with the rose ceremony.....standing.  Perhaps a chair would have been nice? 

Ben compliments Jaclyn, Erika, and Shawntel, and then announces that he's not giving out the final rose.  So all three of them are going home!  Jaclyn runs off sobbing to the bathroom and Erika collapses....AGAIN!  Someone brings her another very helpful glass of water.  Have these people ever heard of professional medical attention?  Because if a bitch passes out twice in 5 minutes, I'm thinking I'm gonna call an ambulance.  But maybe that's just me. 

Shawntel at least acted a little bit classy, so Ben walked her out while everyone else was acting like a bunch of damn fruitcakes.  This included Courtney yelling stuff at Shawntel as she was leaving.  Nice. 

So that's it until next week, when Ben and the remaining whack-a-doos will be in Park City, Utah.  Been there.  Loved it.  Wanna go back.