Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bachelor Ben - Week 3 - Emily, Lindzi, and A Lot of Freaking Out

Starting off with a little bit of news this week.  I think it was a bit of an unofficial announcement, but apparently, Emily Maynard, the blonde bombshell "winner" from Brad's second season, will be the new Bachelorette.  Holy cow!  Talk about a ratings bonanza for ABC!  More on this later as details emerge.

This week the ladies and Ben went to San Francisco. Ben met with his sister, Julia, before going on any dates, and she asked him about any standouts amongst the women. Here are the ones he mentioned: Lindzi, Kacie B., Courtney (who he described as “drama-free,” bahahaha!  Whooo, that was a good one, Benny-Boy!), Emily, and Jennifer (who he dubbed as the best kisser). Julia seemed surprised that he had kissed some girls, making me wonder if she has actually ever seen this show before.

The first one-on-one date card went to Emily, and read, “Love lifts us up.” She admitted that she’s afraid of heights, so of course you know the date is going to involve heights. Ben announces to her that they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. The rest is the same old story: She gets scared, the Bachelor kisses her and tells her that together they can do anything, then they succeed in climbing the rest of the way up and rejoice in how “strong” their relationship is now since they “conquered their fears.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

In the evening, they had dinner outside, and Ben was totally wearing lip gloss. He gave Emily the date rose, and then they kissed. And miracle of all miracles…fireworks went off right when they started kissing. What a coincidence, right?

[SIDE RANT: Every season they have someone who is afraid of something, and the Bachelor producers find this out and make sure that it’s worked into one of their dates. Several girls have been afraid of heights, and yet their dates seemed to have involved jumping or rappelling off a building or down the side of a mountain or a bridge or something. If the girl is afraid of flying, she is the one they stick in a helicopter, while the guy lets her know that “he‘s there for her.” Well, what the hell good is that going to do her as you are falling to your deaths?

And remember poor Emily, who had lost her race car boyfriend in a plane crash? They managed to make her ride in a plane AND drive a friggin’ race car!  I think they should all tell the producers that they are afraid of chocolate, or maybe Doritos.

I’m just waiting for someone to have a pathological fear of monkeys, and the Bachelor will say, “Really? But I have this fabulous date planned to the Mon-Chi-Chi Monkey Sanctuary!” Then they will rattle off some platitudes about trust, and some “if we can accomplish this monkey business, there‘s nothing we can‘t do together” bullshit.

This is why I could never go on The Bachelor. Well, and also because I’m already married, but, whatever. You folks may or may not know that I have a totally irrational fear of snakes. 
If the Bachelor said he had a date planned for us at the reptile house, I would tell him to kiss my retreating white ass. If you want to establish a relationship with me, it’s gonna have to be in a snake-free zone, buster. And for the record, I'm not real crazy about spiders, either.  Ok, rant complete!]

Ben and 11 of his hopefuls went skiing in downtown San Fran. A snow machine had been used to cover an entire street with snow!
Group date
All of the girls just happened to be wearing sundresses with bikinis on underneath. Because let’s face it. You never know when you’re going to find some spontaneous snow and decide to ski half-naked. Kinda like in the soap operas, where women often answer the door in a fully beaded evening gown at noon on a Tuesday. You know, just in case the President calls and invites them to a state dinner that night, they can say, “Well hell yes! I’m already dressed and everything. Just send Air Force One on over!”
Anyhoo, I have to give props to several of the women who looked fabulous in their swimsuits: Rachel and Samantha, I give you two boobs up! You have to be really fit to make those skiing moves with all that flesh exposed and not have anything jiggling or falling out. Kacie B. also looked great in her swimsuit, but her skiing skills? Not so much. However, she looked adorable sliding down the hill ass first and laughing about it. I still like her, even though she has absolutely no cellulite. Usually, I want to cut somebody over that shit, but she really is just too stinkin’ cute!

People this cute really should have cellulite or warts
or something, just to even things out.
That evening, they got all dressed up and went to Tonga for food and drinks. Ben and Rachel went for a walk. I can’t figure this gal out. I like her, but she seems like she’s a reporter there for the story. She says the right things, but something is off. Just a little. They did a bit of kissing, but only kind of close-mouthed smacks. She seemed to be trying to take it deeper, but Ben kept his lips together and refused to play tonsil hockey with Rachel.

Then he escaped with Kacie B. for a bit and did the same little closed-lipped kisses with her. He was kinda loud with his smacking, and it got to be rather annoying.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…Brittney received the next one-on-one date card earlier in the evening, but just didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it at all. Lindzi seemed pretty disappointed, because she didn’t get a date at all in Sonoma or in San Fran, not even a group date. After thinking it over and crying a lot, Brit decided that this whole process just isn’t working for her. I say “good for her!”

Now, back to Tonga: Ben is talking with Blakeley, and she is whining about how the other women hate her, and that they are very spiteful and jealous. Yeah, it’s because you’re such a bitch to them, sweet tits! Don’t rub it in everyone’s face when you get the rose and make everyone hate you, and then get your panties in a wad about how mean everyone is.

At this point, Brittney shows up to dump Ben. Did they really have to make her drag her suitcase inside the restaurant? Couldn’t she have left it in the car? A bit dramatic for me, but hell! I guess that’s why we tune in to this show. I don’t think Ben was all that upset. He was never gonna pick her anyway.

Ben went back to the ladies and gave the group date rose to Rachel.

The next day (or I guess it was the next day…who knows how they tell time in BachelorLand), Lindzi gets a one-on-one date card. I like this girl too, but I really wish she would wear some lipstick. Not like a Blow Job Red or anything, but maybe a nice coral would go well with her skin tone.

Now see?  Isn't that better?
For their date, Ben and Lindzi went on a trolley ride, ate ice cream, and visited China Town. Then they went to San Francisco City Hall, because nothing says “romance” like the offices of solid waste disposal, environmental regulations, and sewer permits.

They walked into a large room and a band started playing. Lindzi informed the camera that it was Matt Nathanson, and I’m glad because I didn’t know who the hell that was. They always seem to know who the bands are on this show without being told, but perhaps their knowledge of modern useless music trivia is far superior to mine. Now, if you put KISS or Ted Nugent or Prince up there, I would recognize them right off. But perhaps these musicians don’t represent the romance they are trying to convey on this show. Go figure…

So, Ben and Lindzi started dancing. The lady looked fabulous dancing in her short, flirty-skirted black cocktail dress. She was letting her hair fly around in quite the uninhibited manner, and it was fun and sexy. Ben, on the other hand, needs to eat some ribs or something, because dude has no soul. At all. His idea of dancing was to grab Lindzi’s hands and move his arms back and forth and bounce, kinda like you used to dance with your cousin when you were 4. [Note to producers: Don’t ever show this guy dancing again. Thank you.] There was some kissing, which I rated as fairly intimate, but not like full-face, I-want-to-suck-your-uvula-out kind of kissing.

Then they went to a speak-easy for dinner. It had hidden rooms behind bookcases, so it was really kind of cool. Lindzi discussed her former relationship, where she was dumped by text message. This showed her vulnerable side and earned points with The Ben, of course. So, he gave her the date rose. Then they went to a piano store. Ooooh, exciting stuff!

This is getting long, so I’ll give you the semi-quick and dirty version of the cocktail party. Courtney did weird shit with her mouth, Shawntel from Brad’s season showed up and said that Ben is going to fall in love with her, all the girls got pissed off, Nicki cried like her grandma died, everyone called Shawntel a bitch behind her back, Courtney did more weird stuff with her mouth and tried to get the other girls to fight with each other, and Ben retired to think, at which point the girls attacked Shawntel like hungry buzzards on a dead possum.

While Ben is deciding, I will give out my weekly Overall Awards:

Quote of the Week:  Emily
"Courtney has some personality problems;
and she has, I think, a social disorder,
and I think she should get diagnosed."
Photo-Op of the Week:  Kacie B.
This totally should have won her the date rose.

Bitch of the Week:  Courtney
After coming in 1st runner-up last week, Courtney has earned the
title this week with her cocktail party shenanigans.

If you thought there was drama during the cocktail party, well honey...hold on to your tater tots, because here comes the rose ceremony!   Rachel, Emily, and Lindzi are already safe.

Ben started handing out roses, beginning with Courtney.  As usual, he asked, "Courtney, will you accept this rose?"  And the crazy ho hesitated!  And, of course, did some MORE weird shit with her mouth. Then she said she would accept the rose (yeah biatch, like you were gonna turn down your 15 minutes of fame), but told Ben that tonight was very hard on her because he talked to "What's-Her-Butt," aka Shawntel.  Very mature.  Then she sniffed the rose.  Why does she always do that?  Does she think the aroma is going to be different from last week?  It's a rose, for ball's sake!

Next, Ben handed out roses to Kacie B. (yay!), Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Casey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, and Samantha.  At this point, there is one rose left, and 3 girls:  Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel.  Ooooh, what's gonna happen?

If you guessed, "more drama," then you are correct!  Jaclyn starts mouthing off quite loudly to the other girls about Shawntel.  Ericka says she feels nauseous, and then passes the frick out!

Horrors!  This guy I've known for
3 weeks isn't choosing me!
Oh my, I think I've got the vapors...

Ben looks worried and says he thinks they need some water for Erika.  By Gawd, are they sure he's not a doctor, because that was damn helpful!  Anyway, they get her ass back up and make her continue with the rose ceremony.....standing.  Perhaps a chair would have been nice? 

Ben compliments Jaclyn, Erika, and Shawntel, and then announces that he's not giving out the final rose.  So all three of them are going home!  Jaclyn runs off sobbing to the bathroom and Erika collapses....AGAIN!  Someone brings her another very helpful glass of water.  Have these people ever heard of professional medical attention?  Because if a bitch passes out twice in 5 minutes, I'm thinking I'm gonna call an ambulance.  But maybe that's just me. 

Shawntel at least acted a little bit classy, so Ben walked her out while everyone else was acting like a bunch of damn fruitcakes.  This included Courtney yelling stuff at Shawntel as she was leaving.  Nice. 

So that's it until next week, when Ben and the remaining whack-a-doos will be in Park City, Utah.  Been there.  Loved it.  Wanna go back. 


1 comment:

  1. I so love this. And I'm going to promote it on my blog. Cuz you need more people reading you. Thanks for the laugh