Friday, January 13, 2012

Bachelor Ben - Week 2 - Kacie, Courtney, and Some Theater

This week, the ladies were in Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives.  This is the very first week of dates, so let's see what happened.

Kacie B.

The first one-on-one date card was handed out by Ben himself to Kacie B.  Being the first date of the season is a pretty big deal, but this date was a bit modest by The Bachelor's standards.  There were no helicopters or bungee jumping or sharks or getting shot out of a cannon.  The couple walked around Sonoma and shopped and ate dinner. 

Then they went to an empty movie theater and watched video clips of themselves when they were little, including a clip of Ben crawling butt-ass naked on a picnic table.  Yeah, that wasn't awkward AT ALL.  There were lots of family shots, and since Ben lost his dad a few years back, this was quite emotional for him to watch; Kacie truly seemed moved, as well.  But she handled it with a nice mixture of tears and comforting smiles.  I still love this girl.

Why do I love her?  You may remember that she's the former baton twirler.  But do you remember from last week who else is a former baton twirler? 

The Opto-Mom in all her sexified glory!
 BAM!  That's right, bitches!  Try not to be jealous of the fake fur rug and my super awesome 80's hair.  You can be jealous of the sequins, though.  It's perfectly understandable to covet my sequins.

So back to the date.  Even though there weren't a lot of bells and whistles on Kacie's date, it was very personal because of the hometown angle and the home movies and all the crying.  She got a rose and some smooches.  I'm usually pretty good at determining how things are going by the quality of the kissing.  The kisses between Ben and Kacie were good quality and fairly intimate.  Not like "hump-your-leg intimate," but rather "lovey-dovey intimate."  Overall, a great date, though I could have done without the whole "let's make the bachelor show his vulnerable side and cry by bringing out videos of his dead father" thing on the very first date.

I don't even know why they do these group dates.  Oh, wait...yes I do.  For the DRAMA!  And there was lots of drama this week, because Ben and the ladies (and I use that term loosely regarding some of these contestants) had to perform a play written by some local kids.  The play was called "Prince Pino of Bachelorville."  Those crazy, clever kiddos! 

The ladies had to audition for the kids to get their roles, which was pretty fun to watch.  Actually, when Blakeley auditioned, it was rather frightening.  She was wearing a cleavage-baring striped romper and looked like a slutty train engineer.  The kids had her running in place and jumping around like a monkey, which I'm surprised didn't give her a couple of black eyes with the way those boobs were flopping around.  Here is the analysis of Blakeley's audition from the mouths of the babes:

Little girl:  “That girl with the…uhhhh…the like…{motioning to chest area}…I wasn’t a fan of her.”
Little boy: “She did good.”

Ahhhh, men are so eloquent when faced with bouncing boobage.  And they start early, don't they?

Here are the girls that went on the group date and the results of the audition:

The women were very good-natured and embraced their roles in the play, and actually seemed to have fun performing it for the community.  After the play, Ben and the group date girls went swimming for the obligatory flesh show.  And there was even...hold on to your britches here...a HOT TUB! 

{Gasp!}  I know.  A hot tub on The Bachelor?  Didn't see that coming at all.  Ben and Jennifer got some time alone and did some kissing.  It was the "you're a girl and only partially clothed, so I feel the need to press some lip" kind of kissing.  Not overly intimate or hot.

Then Blakeley, who kept telling the other girls that she was getting the date rose, attacked Ben in the pool and basically climbed him like a cat up a tree.  Of course, they made out, and this kissing was much hotter.  I have to give Ben credit for restraining his hands and body while this chick was trying to hump him in the swimming pool. 

However, he did reward Blakeley's boob show at the audition and the subsequent pool display by giving her the date rose.  Blakeley then took gloating to a whole new level and pissed off every girl within a 10 mile radius.

The next date was for Courtney.  She attempted to insult Kacie B., but since Kacie had the first one-on-one date, Courtney's zinger fell kind of flat.

Anyway, on the date, Courtney and Ben walked through the woods, played with Ben's dog, and sat by a lake and drank wine.  Courtney made sure to mention that no one ever asks her out and she never has dates just so Ben could show how surprised he was.  Need affirmation much, honey?

She's pretty smart, though.  "Tell me more about you."  It's straight from the pages of Charm A Man 101.  It worked pretty well, though, because he gave her the date rose.  Then there was a some kissing, but they were kind of short, shallow kisses.  Ben is totally wrapped around her little finger, though.  This girl is definitely a player, so watch out for her.

Kacie B., Courtney, and Blakeley all have roses, but the other women are still in jeopardy, so they need a little time with Ben to convince him how fabulous they are. 

Jenna the nut tries to talk to Ben, but can't seem to complete a sentence.  Here are some of her gems:
"I just feel know.....................I feel like I'm a how I act."  Big turn on there, girl.  Courtney will be asking you for pointers pretty soon!
"And what people say..........."  Mmmmm kay.
"And I don't want.....I don't want you to think I'm not.......because I might appear as if I am not....."  WTF?  Just spit it out already!  Cheesus!!!
"It's....I's hard because it's only you, so it's like..."  Run, Ben!  Run for your life!
"I's totally worth it, but I'm not like a girl."  Annnnnd, we're back to that.

She kinda sounded like me when I go to the dentist and get the happy gas:  "And then I need to get the third tooth.......and a Whataburger with bacon.......for the TV 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue....and I like camels."  Maybe Jenna's been sniffing the nitrous.  I know she hasn't been spending her spare time fixing that nappy hair.  So, Jenna runs off crying.

Now, Blakeley (yes, the one who already has a rose) keeps busting in on everyone else's time.  Remember that Blakeley's profession is listed as "VIP Cocktail Waitress," which means that she just goes topless instead of totally nude, so the guys respect her waaaaaay more.  At this point, everyone wants to beat the dog shit out of her and she begins to notice that conversations stop when she enters the room.  Yeah, they're talking about you, bi-a-tch!  So she gets her wittle feelings hurt and runs off to cry, too.

Everybody's flipping out, Ben is being bombarded with tears and drama and all kinds of bitch hormones hovering in the air.   He finds Blakeley crying on the floor in the corner of a luggage room.  How convenient that he finds her there, right?  Then he discovers Jenna in the fetal position under the covers of a bed.  These women sure have a flair for the dramatic.

Ben's being polite, but you can tell he's thinking, "Somebody get me the fuck out of here!"  He gets a little break while he retires to his deliberation chamber.

While he's deliberating, I will give you my overall awards of the week:

Fashionista of the week:  Lindzi with her one-shoulder coral dress.

Bitch of the Week:  Blakeley
The scores for Bitch of the Week were neck-and-neck between Blakeley and Courtney.  Courtney was kind of reserved at the Rose Ceremony, so she lost a point and is therefore the 1st runner-up.  If, for any reason, the Bitch of the Week cannot fulfill her duties, the 1st runner-up will step into the bitch shoes and continue on with the reign of terror.

So, who went home?

Shawn took her leave with a modicum of dignity, but Jenna...well, she was Jenna up until the very end. 
She walked off with her hands under her armpits like Mary Katherine Gallagher. I kept expecting her to say, “When a guy rejects me, I put my hands under my arms, and then I smell ‘em like THIS.”

Thanks for coming by, and remember that I love your comments, but no spoilers, please!


  1. Thanks, Dazee! I was getting concerned because I had no comments. It was making me go all Jenna, and I almost started sobbing uncontrollably, but then I saw your comment and I felt the LOVE! Guess I can take my fingers out of my armpits now, huh?