Sunday, January 29, 2012

Bachelor Ben - Week 4 - Rachel, Jennifer, and Some Fish Kissing

Ben wants to take the girls on more outdoorsy dates, because that’s very important to him, and there are not many places more naturally beautiful than Park City, Utah. Ben arrived in a helicopter, which is the first appearance of the helicopter this season, by my count.

Rachel got the first date in Park City.  Annnnnnd we have the 1st helicopter date.  All the other girls run out onto the balconies and stare like they’ve never seen a whirlybird before. And they all act SOOOO shocked that someone gets to go on a helicopter date. Attention, people of BachelorLand: There will ALWAYS be a helicopter date. Seriously, if they haven't already, the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows should just buy their own helicopter.

Ben and Rachel landed and went out in a canoe on a beautiful lake. I was impressed that New York girl, Rachel, seemed to enjoy the canoe ride and the whole nature thing. Then they sat on the bank to talk and drink wine, but there were a lot of awkward pauses and forced conversation. At one point, Ben even felt the need to point out, “That’s a beaver dam.” Gee, can’t you just feel the romance?

In the evening, they went to a little cabin where there was more awkward conversation. Then finally Rachel got all chatty and let Ben know that in the past she has had trouble opening up in relationships (ummm, no shit, Princess Obvious). And she said the word, “open” about 38 times in a one minute period. Ahhhh, we’re talking about “openness” now. Next will be “putting yourself out there,” which is personally my favorite, because it makes me think of getting flashed.

After all this openness, they went outside to a fire and ate S’mores, which was pretty sweet and fun. Rachel barely eked out a rose this time, but I don’t think she will last too much longer.


The girls are walking down an open trail, and Ben comes riding up on a horse. There’s nothing finer than a man that can ride a horse and look manly doing it. Ben looked pretty good, but I must say that my favorite man in the saddle was Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall.” Let’s just take a moment to enjoy the hotness that is Brad Pitt in that movie.

Ok, that last one isn't actually from Legends of the Fall,
but what self-respecting woman could leave that
picture out?

Mmmmmmmmm.  Wait?  Where was I?  Oh yeah, this blog thingy.  So, Ben and the ladies rode horses to a river where they were going to do some fly fishing. They had to put on waders and boots and get into the water.

Courtney said she had never fished before. Well, no shit, Princess. You didn’t exactly knock me over with a feather with that info. She kept telling the camera how she was going to turn this group date into a one-on-one with just her and Ben, and then made a lot of fishing references to "catching" a man and Ben "taking the bait," blah, blah, blah. She ended up catching a fish, and doing a lot of squealing and insisting (in a babyish voice) that she and Ben kiss the fish. Then she simpered, “He’s so cute, Ben,” and I really wanted to knock the buck off her teeth at that point.

That night the girls were spending time poolside, and Ben chatted with Casey S. She looked really cute and they had a nice chat about relationships. Nothing earth-shattering…step up your game, Casey!

Nicki interrupted with her red nose.  But she was really sweet and thanked Ben for bringing her on dates, even though she’s only been on group dates so far. He seemed to appreciate that. They discussed some friends that they lost right before coming to L.A. for the show, and made a connection and did a little kissing. Ben appeared to be enjoying kissing Nicki, but of course, they were interrupted.

Samantha sashayed in to get some time with Ben, and immediately began aggressively berating him because she has only gotten group dates and she wants a one-on-one date. He told her that the reason he hasn’t asked her out on an individual date was because she was highly emotional on the group dates, which was a nice way of saying that she is an annoying shrew, and he would rather cut off his right arm than have to spend an entire day with her. She kept trying to smile, but she actually looked horrified like Ben had farted on her favorite pillow. But she still whined for a chance, which any idiot would know was the last thing Ben wanted to hear. Ben said he didn’t see it going anywhere and thought they should end it right then.

Now, the gossip is that Samantha had feelings for one of the show’s producers (who happens to be married), and that’s why she left. I’m just wondering if the gossip got a little mixed up and perhaps it was Brittney (who left of her own accord last week) who was doing the hanky panky with Mr. Producer Man. Hmmmmm…something to think about!

So, back to the group date: Ben takes Kacie B. to his room and reassures her that she is wonderful. They spent a bit of time together kissing and snuggling. I think he really likes her, and I think Courtney knows it too. And it pisses….her….OFF!

So Court gets time alone with Ben and gripes that her spirits are down because there were other women on the group date and that just brought her down. Awwww, poor baby! Well, she freaks Ben out by telling him that now she questions their relationship. He tells her that he likes her a lot, and she just sighs and rolls her eyes and says, “Okaaayyyyyy.” In other words, she wants him to prove it by neglecting everyone else. Or possibly by giving her the date rose? Which he did immediately. Gawd, he is so whipped. She smelled the rose again because apparently she’s forgotten what the fuck roses smell like since last week. She also makes it a point to say, “I do” every time he gives her a rose. She’s a smart one, this girl.
The next date went to pretty redhead, Jennifer. She and Ben hiked to the top of a hill where there was a fence that said, “No Trespassing.” So of course they climbed over it and saw a big rusty cage over a deep crater. They were to rappel down and then drop into the water. Ben made some platitudes about “taking the plunge together” and relationships being about “diving into the unknown.” More blah, blah, blah. Who writes this stuff, anyway?

After all the plunging, they rode up a ski lift and looked at the beautiful scenery and then had a private dinner outside. Then it started raining like crazy. Ben gave her the rose, and then they went to a Clay Walker concert, where Ben again demonstrated his lack of any rhythm at all!

Emily decides to tell Ben that Courtney is not the sweet, vulnerable angel he thinks she is. Ben basically (but very nicely) tells her to mind her own beeswax because focusing on someone else would be her “own demise.” Oooh, getting a little pissy there, Big Ben. And here I thought you and Emily had such a connection because of the whole bridge-climbing-conquering-our-fears-together thingy. That what you said LAST week!

Let me just give a little bit of advice to anyone who ever plans on being a contestant on this show. DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell the Bachelor or Bachelorette that someone is not there for the right reasons or that another contestant is a narcissistic asshole. Especially if the Bach has show that this particular contestant is one of their favorites. It WILL backfire on you, so hold your tongue and don’t be honest! 

Emily tells Casey S. and Jamie about her conversation with Ben, and Casey S. defends Courtney, saying that Courtney is genuine and not fake at all. Casey…honey pie….are you naïve or just stupid? Maybe you’ve got a cute little ditzy blonde thing going on? So Casey runs off and tells Courtney everything they talked about and that Emily had discussed Courtney’s social shortfalls with Ben. (OMG, just describing this, I feel like a 4th grader.)
So, NOW it’s ON! Courtney started with the weirdo mouth twisting crap again. Regarding Emily, she said she wanted to “rip her head off and verbally assault her.” WTF? I’m pretty sure that once you rip someone’s head off, they won’t really care about verbal assault. Maybe she doesn’t know what “verbal” means.

Emily and Courtney give each other the evil eye for a while, and then Courtney tells Emily that she’s on her shit list. Then she walks off and says “Winning!” That’s about the 3rd time she’s said that this season. More advice: Quoting Charlie Sheen really does nothing to prove your mental stability.

Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer have roses and are safe.  Samantha left during the group date, so only one woman was going home tonight.  Ben handed out roses to Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, and Casey S.  It's down to the last rose, and Emily and Monica are left.  Emily was sweating at this time, convinced that Ben was going to send her home because she tattled on Courtney earlier in the night.  However, after a dramatic pause, Ben gave the rose to Em and said bye-bye to Monica.

Ben announced that they would be going to Puerto Rico next, and Courtney batted her eyelashes and looked down demurely and said, “I was just there 2 months ago,” obviously referring to a modeling shoot. Because she just had to remind everyone that she’s a model. That way no one can forget how awesome she is. Thanks for the reminder, C!

Seriously, that girl is nuttier than a squirrel turd.


  1. Thank you so much for the gratuitous shots of Brad Pitt. I mean, really, I still can't get that sex scene out of my mind in that movie. What? I may be old, but I'm not dead. :)

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Girl, I know! Men should watch that scene and take note that THAT is exactly how a woman wants to be looked at and touched.