Bachelor Ben - Meeting the Crazies

Well, HOWDY!  Welcome to my reality T.V. blog.  Some of you may know me from my Opto-Mom blog.  If not, click here to check it out now.

If you have not been living under a rock, then you have probably seen some form of reality show.  I plan to discuss the ones I watch, including American Idol, most of the dancing shows, America's Got Talent, and any other ones that catch my eye.  Also, I'm quite embarrassed to say that I watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette.  I freakin' love this show, even though I think it's probably the least effective way I've ever heard of to find a spouse. 

I will most certainly poke fun and be snarky, but I must say that these are some really gorgeous ladies this season.  This first post will be kind of long because there are 25 ladies to introduce to you, so let's get on with it.

The show started like most of them do, introducing the Bachelor and trying to make him seem interesting.  Which is a really hard job with Ben, as Mr. Monotone's best asset is that he's a winemaker.  Raise your hands, ladies (or gents)....who would do him for a couple cases of wine?



BEN
Ladies, he wants to squeeze your grapes.



As the first limo pulls up, you hear the high-pitched screams and squeals of women who are apparently so excited at the sight of a real, live man that they forget they are supposed to be grown women.  Seriously, I can't stand all that "he's sooooo cute" and "wooooooo-ing" the women do every season each time the Bachelor approaches them.  I think that's why I prefer watching the Bachelorette, because most of the men act fairly masculine, and I luvs me some manly men! 

I think I'm gonna start squealing "woooooooo" every time my husband walks in the room.  Then I'm gonna need some of my readers to come visit me and bring me cookies once he puts me in the looney bin.

I thought I would go all pageant-like on you and rate the women numerically in four separate categories.  I don't want to hear any feminist whining, please and thank you very much, because these women agreed to come and be judged during a human cattle call.  Here is what our panel of judges (me) is looking for:

OVERALL BEAUTY - Nice face and figure.  Took time to brush their damn hair.
FASHION - Wearing a dress or outfit that is flattering to her and looks like it's from this century.  (Note that this score comes from what they were wearing on the show, and not in the accompanying pictures.)
PERSONALITY - Not fake, not bitchy. Confident, but not cocky.
TEETH - I think all of these chicks went to a cosmetic dentist before they came on the show.  Since they went to all that trouble, I decided to reward them with a "teeth score." 
So here we go:

Rachel (middle name Rose...awwww) - Age 27, Fashion sales rep., NY.

Overall beauty:  8 

Dress:  10 (was a beautiful red dress, very flattering)

Personality:  9

Teeth:  8












Rachel is also our first celebrity look-alike of the evening:

Erika - Age 23, Law Student, Chicago, IL

Beauty:  9

Dress:  9 (black and super sparkly!)

Personality:  10  (cute with just enough cheese)

Teeth:  10












Amber “the Baconator” Bacon - Age 23, labor and delivery nurse, Port Coquitlam, Canada

Beauty:  7

Fashion:  8

Personality:  9 (maybe a little over-enthusiastic and fake)

Teeth:  9












Elyse - Age 24, Personal Trainer, Chicago, IL

Beauty:  10

Dress:  10

Personality:  9

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Great mixture of girl-next-door sweetness in the face combined with a body of complete HOTNESS!









Jenna -Age 27, blogger, NY

Beauty:  7 (Don't they have hair salons in NY?  Get your roots done, honey.)

Dress:  8

Personality:  7 (Lots of awkward pauses, and she kept staring at him with this weird, vacant smile.)

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Ladies and gentlemen, meet the resident nut job.  See that personality score up there?  Yeah, it's gonna go down to about a 2.5 by the end of the evening.






Courtney R. - Age 28, Model, Santa Monica, CA

Beauty:  10

Dress:  9  (This would have been much lower if it were judged on the dress she was wearing for the photo shoot...see pic to the left.  I guess nothing says, "I want to marry you," like a friggin' negligee.)

Personality:  7 (Out of the limo she just strutted up like, "I got this shit."  It was fairly annoying.)

Teeth:  10

Notes:  During her one-on-one time with Ben, she told him that she's a model.  Like, you know, she travels every weekend, because she's a model.  Back and forth from L.A. to New York because she's a model, ya know?



Emily - Age 27, PhD Student, Chapel Hill, NC

Beauty:  8

Dress:  10

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Would have gotten a 9 for overall beauty if her hair hadn’t gone flat. Stick a little can of hairspray down between them boobies, and poof it, poof it, poof it before you get out of the limo, sistah!







Samantha - Age 26, Advertising account manager, Los Angeles, CA 

Beauty:  9

Dress:  8

Personality:  9

Teeth:  9

Notes:  She is Miss Pacific Palisades, and actually wore her mother-flippin' sash to meet Ben!  Can girls be douchebags?  If so, that was a totally douchey move, though she seemed pretty sweet overall.







Casey S. - Age 26, Trading Clerk, Leawood KS

Beauty:  10

Dress:  10

Personality:  9

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Seemed a little shy, but very wholesomely beautiful!
Also, is she wearing lingerie in that pic to the left?

Amber T. - Age 29, Critical Care Nurse, Waverly, NE

Beauty:  9

Dress:  10  (Yellow dress that stood out to me against all the black ones.)

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Can shoot a gun, and also eats cow balls.  I say, "Winner, winner, cow ball dinner!"









Holly - Age 34, Pharmaceutical sales rep., Salyersville, KY

Beauty:  9 (looks great for one of the "older" women in this competition!)

Dress:  8 (Wore a big ass, flowerdy, Kentucky straw hat.  I mean, really big.  This hat needed its own limo.)

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  She said, “Kentucky is known for 2 things: beautiful women and fast horses.”  If she would have added, "Now don't get that backwards, sugar pie," and sashayed off, I totally would have given her an 11 for personality.






Jamie - Age 25, Registered Nurse, Dryden, NY

Beauty:  10

Dress:  10

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  I love this girl!  She raised her younger siblings because mom had “dependency issues,” i.e., was a drunk or crackhead.









Shira - No age given, she just "exists" or like, whatever, you know?  Actress, Los Angeles, CA

 Beauty:  8

Dress:  10

Personality:  9

Teeth:  9

Notes:  Eat a damn sandwich, honey!  I've farted bigger than you!











Blakeley -Age 34, VIP Cocktail Waitress, Charlotte, NC (10, 8, 9, 10)

Beauty:  10

Dress:  8

Personality:  9

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Looks better than some of the girls a decade younger than her.  Should have shopped somewhere other than the Sears catalog for her dress, though.







Grandma Sheryl -Age 72, Retired, Pueblo, CO - Came to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney, to Ben.

Ok, she's not officially a contestant, but I still give her all 10's!  What a sweet and classy lady!

















Brittney - Age 26, Medical Sales Rep., Denver, CO - Grandma Sheryl’s granddaughter

Beauty:  9

Dress:  8

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Mid-Post Rant

Several girls made ugly faces and/or comments about Grandma Sheryl when she was being very kind and sweet and grandmotherly.  Courtney, Elyse, and Amber B., you ladies may now consider yourself on my Bitch List! Showing surprise when a 72 year old walks in is ok, but acting bitchy to Grandma Sheryl? Oh, HELLL NAW! I will NOT have it!  Now, straighten your skinny asses up!  Also, what is up with all the tank tops in the intro pictures?  Annnnd....back to your regularly scheduled snarking.

Dianna - Age 30, Non-Profit Director, San Gabriel, CA

Beauty:  10

Dress:  8

Personality:  8

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Sweet, but too giggly.










Dianna is our next celeb look-alike.  She totally looks like Gabriella from High School Musical.





Jennifer - Age 28, Accountant, Oklahoma City, OK

Beauty:  8

Dress:  9

Personality:  10

Teeth:  9

Notes:  Here's another one that would have gotten a higher beauty score if her hair hadn't gone flat.  Spray that shit, girls!









Oooh, looky here!  Another celebrity look-alike.  Jennifer looks like the character Pamela Moran from "Army Wives."

Anna - Age 25, Student, Detroit, MI

Beauty:  10

Dress:  8

Personality:  ?

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Just walked right by Ben with an overly-demure smirk and entered the mansion without saying anything but a quiet, “hi.”  The girl's got balls, I'll give her that!









Nicki S. - Age 26, Dental Hygienist, Hurst, TX

Beauty:  10

Dress:  9

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Went to Texas A&M University, where I also went, so I may have to pull for this gal.










I noticed that my girl Nicki looked a lot like Sandra Bullock, moreso on TV than in this pic, but here's a comparison for you anyway.

Kacie B. - Age 24 Administrative Assistant, Clarksville, TN


Beauty:  10

Dress:  10

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Loved this girl!  She is just precious!

Perhaps I like Kacie because she was a baton twirler, just like your favorite blogger (that's me, right?).  Here she is in her college twirling pic.

Lyndsie J. - Age 29, Internet entrepreneur, Scottsdale, AZ, but originally from England

Beauty:  7

Dress:  9 (I normally don't like the style of dress she was wearing, but it totally worked for her.)

Personality:  10

Teeth:  9

Notes:  Her dad was a diplomat, so you would think she would be snooty, but NOPE.  I adored this chica!  She was fun, witty, smart, a self-proclaimed dork, and so flipping charming!

Then the plastic surgery limo pulled up.



Monica - Age 33, Dental Consultant, Salt Lake City, UT (9, 8, 9, 10)

Beauty:  8 (Ladies, please stop wearing a ponytail with a formal dress.)

Dress:  8

Personality:  9

Teeth:  10

Notes:  She would be much prettier without the lip implants.  When will women learn that not everybody has to look like Angelina Jolie?







Jaclyn - Age 27 Advertising Account Manager, Newton, MA (7, 8, 8, 9)

Beauty:  8

Dress:  8

Personality:  8

Teeth:  9

Notes: She should really sue her plastic surgeon for that nose.








Shawn - Age 28, Financial Advisor, Phoenix, AZ (10, 8, 10, 10)

Beauty:  10

Dress:  8

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  She seemed very natural, so I don't know how she got stuck in the Fakemobile.  And thank Gawd she's not wearing a tank top in her profile picture!!!








Lindzi C. - Age 27, Business Development Manager, Seattle, WA

Beauty:  10

Dress:  10

Personality:  10

Teeth:  10

Notes:  Lindzi is into horses, and even arrived at the mansion on a horse.  Other contestants, please take note:  Lindzi wore a riding hat, and when she removed it, her hair wasn’t near as drab and flat as some of you who didn’t even wear a hat! I predict that she will go far due to her ability to style her own hair properly.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY

 

I have more notes, but this is getting long due to the vast number of girls this week.  So I will give a few overall awards, and tell you who went home.



Best Dress:  Rachel

Drama Queen of the Week:  Jenna

First Impression Rose

Leaving the show this week:  Amber Bacon, Amber T., Holly, Shira, Dianna, Anna, and Lyndsie J. 

Apparently, Ben doesn't like foreigners, since he booted Canadian (Amber) Bacon and Brit Lyndsie.

And here is the final result:

Feel free to comment, but I would like to ask that you please not post any spoilers in the comments.

See you after Monday's episode!